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Feeling fragile.

My back, while getting better, feels brittle. I can't shake the feeling that it is one step away from just snapping, leaving me collapsed on the floor like broken refuse.

My emotional state of being is in a somewhat similar state. I am uncertain... unsure... where I am in the world right now. My confidence level is not very high. I sometimes feel unattractive, unsteady. There is a lot of "uns" in my life right now.

One step to recovery would be trying to figure out how much of my emotional well-being is tied to my physical. Is it my bad back that is causing my emotional duress? Or is there more to the emotional side?

I suspect that there is. I feel deep aching need for intimacy, for connection. I want to lay on a bed with intimate partners and be bathed by positive emotion and sensuality.

I want someone I enjoy to be naked, hugging me, allowing me to cry in moments of intimacy.

I feel fragile. So I expose myself and my emotions to the world, to possibly help me gain strength. I write these words not necessarily as a cry for attention, but for an admittance of self. To allow my feelings an outlet, to possibly free me from them so I can turn the corner.

I wear my emotions on my sleeves. It is who I am.

Comments

( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
melebeth
Aug. 7th, 2007 05:18 pm (UTC)
*giant hug and support*
nex0s
Aug. 7th, 2007 05:35 pm (UTC)
If you need to talk with someone, I'm available. And right down the block! Tonight, tomorrow and Thursday I'm free. You can buy me a glass of wine and I can sketch that tat for ya.

N.
kathrinefarmer
Aug. 7th, 2007 06:30 pm (UTC)
I'd so snuggle you and listen to your worries.
feyrieprincess
Aug. 7th, 2007 06:36 pm (UTC)
You...unattractive?
This is like the moon thinking it is unattractive.
Just look at the ocean, the rivers, the streams, and see how all of them are pulled toward you.

If your back DID break and you WERE lying broken on the floor (which IT won't and YOU won't btw), there would be a huge-ass line of people clamouring to get the privlege of carrying you around.

I, for example, would be one of them .....
willowrrain
Aug. 8th, 2007 01:07 am (UTC)
And I would help her.
We work remarkably well as a team.

And if your decratively painted trundle needed extra adornment, the woods would be searched for flowers and shiny green frogs to add a festive touch to the hand made conveyance of our merry king. And should that king need to weep, soft hands and tender hearts could accept those tears and touch them with care and understanding.

Reach out to those close to you in New York, let in the love that you need right now.


victoriakg
Aug. 7th, 2007 06:46 pm (UTC)
For me, the physical/emotional is a "cascade" thing that starts with the emotional, then moves to a more physical manifestation. From what I gather on the timing of this, that seems true for you in this instance, too. It seems like we all have one main vulnerable point in our bodies (mine's my upper neck) where our emotional pain makes itself known. So the emotional stuff is almost always the root cause of the physical, in my experience, though you can't really separate them, and you have to deal with both, as what affects one affects the other.

For the physical pain, a good chiropractor or massasge therapist can really help. If you take that route, don't be surprised if you suddenly feel strong emotions while you're getting massaged or adjusted--it's a good thing. ("Surprise," my massage therapist used to say, "Your mind is connected to your body.") And if you look at the physical part of it symbolically, and interpret the information it's giving you, it can give you some valuable clues about how to deal with the emotional root causes.
But where that's concerned, from what you've written, it's clear that you already know what you need. Our first, most visceral impulses (naked, hug, intimacy, cry) are almost always spot-on.

I love that you wear your emotions on your sleeve. And I love you, naked or clothed.

Victoria
(Deleted comment)
redhead_sue
Aug. 7th, 2007 08:06 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you are the person you are.

And I'm very glad I'm seeing you on Thursday. Maybe I can even help a bit.
adorable_man
Aug. 7th, 2007 09:37 pm (UTC)
I send you a big, careful hug! Being real is hard. But it's BALLS!
lzbnangel
Aug. 8th, 2007 01:53 am (UTC)
You are who you are and that's why the people who love you do. You are human and you let that show. In and of itself, that is a big deal.

I send hugs and well wishes on all fronts. If I were anywhere near you, I'd offer a massage and an ear and my shoulder. ~smile~
lthrlibrarian
Aug. 8th, 2007 01:24 pm (UTC)
Feel me ... reaching out to touch ... because you are wonderful.
njlexi
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:38 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry you're feeling this,darlin'. *hugs* I understand that sense of want for connection and positive sensual input. While I'm sure I'm not on that list of folks, I'd be cool for a clothed snuggle session.
valkyrieschains
Aug. 9th, 2007 12:24 am (UTC)
Aw Phil, I feel your pain in so many ways.

You're loved.
You're wanted.

In so many ways.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )