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This past weekend I flew down to North Carolina to visit kathryntact. I'm not going to write up any of the details of that here save for saying that canceled planes suck, Satan truly is, what a great weekend, and OMG sex of dirty doom. No, you don't get joke #2. That's OK.

What I will tell you about is the horrors I put the Transportation Security Administration at LaGuardia Airport through.

Seeing as it would be a short weekend, I decided to pack light and for once travel with carry-on luggage. This meant no whips, no knives, no canes, or any other typical weapon-like item I would normally bring along. In fact, I only brought one sex toy - a speculum.

Due to an amazing thunderstorm that spontaneously rolled into NYC at 5 PM on the dot, my plane was delayed 4 hours before eventually being canceled. During that delay, I went back and forth through the security gates 3 times to have a cigarette to squash my ever growing frustration.

Which meant the TSA had a total of 4 opportunities to figure out what in gods name I had in my bag.

Comedy, thus, ensued.



Attempt #1

TSA - Um, what is that?

Me - It's a speculum.

TSA - Huh?

Me - It's used to open things up.

TSA - Like what?

Me - *stared at her blankly*

TSA - *shaking her head* Go.

Attempt #2

TSA - Isn't this...?

Me - Yes, it's a speculum.

TSA - Are you a doctor?

Me - Nope.

TSA - I mean this is used for... you're a doctor right?

Me - Nope.

TSA - Then why do you...?

Me - *smiled at her*

TSA - OooooooooooK. Go on.

Attempt #3

Me - I know what you're looking at. It's a speculum. I've been through this already with some of your colleagues.

TSA #1 - Hey, wait, I know what this is... it's a...

Me - Yes, it's a speculum.

TSA #2 - Oh, right, it's for opening...

TSA #1 - Noses, right?

Me - Um, nope.

TSA #2 - I... I'm not even gonna ask.

Attempt #4

Me - Before you even ask, it's a speculum.

TSA - *smiles and waves me off*

Comments

( 35 comments — Leave a comment )
ciani
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
heehee!
lolitasir
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:23 pm (UTC)
It's for your ass, right?
boymeat
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:39 pm (UTC)
Nope... I lied to the TSA agent. It's for the nose.
eric_mathgeek
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:25 pm (UTC)
#2 was my favorite. I did indeed laugh. Thank you Sir!
dawne_vs_luna
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:30 pm (UTC)
I'm strangely disturbed that you have one.
*shudders*
tinnula
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:44 pm (UTC)
Plastic disposable speculums FTW!

I stole some from my doctor once. And by 'some' I mean like 20.
aroraborealis
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:50 pm (UTC)
I love the idea that if you were a doctor, it would be perfectly normal to travel with a speculum and not also, oh, I don't know, a stethoscope and medical bag.
wendyblackheart
Aug. 19th, 2008 07:43 pm (UTC)
lol, because OBGYN's totally carry spare speculums with them, just incase they have to check out some vag while at the store. Hey, you never know.
aroraborealis
Aug. 19th, 2008 07:53 pm (UTC)
Yes, exactly. That totally makes me feel better about the whole thing. o_O
boymeat
Aug. 19th, 2008 07:57 pm (UTC)
I was totally prepared for the eventuality of the flight attendant asking everyone "Excuse me, but you wouldn't happen to be a gynecologist?" I would have been instantly able to perform my civic duties.
hcjordan
Aug. 20th, 2008 01:20 am (UTC)
Hah! If only there were more urgent need for this kind of thing in the world. Except in a good way.
purplepathos
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
ROFL!!!

#3 got me. :)
professorbird
Aug. 19th, 2008 07:01 pm (UTC)
Only in my family would this just seem like a normal encounter.

Thanks for the chuckle. Someday I'll share my TSA stories with you....in person.
adpfromga
Aug. 19th, 2008 07:09 pm (UTC)
I bet they were all on their coffee break saying things like:

TSA #1 "Didja see the guy with the speculum - he went through 4 times."

TSA #2 "You think it was a test from someone in the central office?"

TSA #3 "It would have to be, guy said he wasn't a doctor - I mean what else would you use a speculum for?"

TSA #4 (shaking head) "If you have to ASK that...."

I had to explain the folsom unit butt plug in my carry on to someone at Logan once... "See, you put it in your ass. And then I hook this box up to it." Thankfully it was pre 9/11.
boymeat
Aug. 19th, 2008 07:11 pm (UTC)
Michael Horowitz did that on a trip to IML with lolitasir and I. When he offered to let the security agent feel the violet wand after he plugged it in, she practically jumped through the roof. Made better by lolitasir running back to them screaming "Do me! Do me!"

I hid and pretended not to know either of them.
masterhyde
Aug. 19th, 2008 08:49 pm (UTC)
LOL This is even funnier than the speculum stories. Because I can totally see Lolita doing that.
adpfromga
Aug. 20th, 2008 12:03 pm (UTC)
Oh my god - I can picture this. That totally made me laugh!
coraline
Aug. 29th, 2008 10:23 pm (UTC)
that? is even more awesome than the post above, and the post above was awfully funny.
boymeat
Sep. 1st, 2008 06:11 am (UTC)
Thank ye kindly! It was lovely making your acquaintance. Perhaps next time we should have conversation!
coraline
Sep. 2nd, 2008 01:33 pm (UTC)
sure :)
carolsea
Aug. 19th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)
Heyy it's a Mystery Flyer!!!
cyis75
Aug. 19th, 2008 08:33 pm (UTC)
I think I've got a toss up between #1 and #3 personally... I love how the TSA in #1 didn't seem to know what it was. I'm sure she'd seen one before in her life.

Gotta love the TSA... Never fail to provide humor for us.
viviane212
Aug. 19th, 2008 09:25 pm (UTC)
May I repost this and link back, please?
boymeat
Aug. 19th, 2008 09:34 pm (UTC)
By all means. I'm happy that you found it worthy!
virtuallykayla
Aug. 19th, 2008 10:31 pm (UTC)
In a week that has gone horribly wrong, this is the first thing to make me smile. Freakin hilarious.
boymeat
Aug. 20th, 2008 03:36 pm (UTC)
I'm glad I could make you smile. Sorry life has been so rough lately.
nyghtowl
Aug. 19th, 2008 11:34 pm (UTC)
speculumtacular!
dreamertheresa
Aug. 19th, 2008 11:37 pm (UTC)
TEE HEE.
boy_wonderwolf
Aug. 20th, 2008 01:41 am (UTC)
Priceless!
em_yrt
Aug. 20th, 2008 02:59 am (UTC)
I'm picturing tiny little nasal speculums....
noble_knave
Aug. 20th, 2008 12:33 pm (UTC)
Wow. Thats is funny.
sirwinterwolf
Aug. 21st, 2008 12:16 pm (UTC)
You, by far, have some of the best adventures!
Still laughing my ass off.
ne_penthe
Sep. 2nd, 2008 04:19 am (UTC)
OMG!!! That, and the accompanying violet wand story has me falling out of my chair.

Just cuz I'm dumb... what would be the problem with taking a singletail in carry on? a real issue, or just concern?
boymeat
Sep. 5th, 2008 03:41 pm (UTC)
I just saw this... sorry for the delay in response!

Personally, I wouldn't do it. I've never actually tried, but after 9/11 I got a lot of problems bringing canes as a carry-on. A whip is a recognizable thing, and most people associate it with something can do damage.
ne_penthe
Sep. 5th, 2008 10:21 pm (UTC)
Funny... I packed mine in carryon, no trouble.
I DID however bring a case that I could put objectionables into and check... I just didn't want to check my new whips (SQUEEE!!!)

I got a coyote, and a 3' Tella snake that I'm eagarly breaking in....
::grin::
( 35 comments — Leave a comment )

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