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Wanting to type so bad it hurts.


Greetings people of LJ. I write to you now so that I don't write elsewhere. Because if I write elsewhere, bad things might happen.

One of the side effects I've found that has come along with aging is my patience. Or should I say, my lack thereof. In the past, I was very good at keeping my words inside, allowing the idiotic, dangerous, and lunatic fringe pass alongside me without a word or grunt. I would hold my tongue, wait until Lolita and I were in a private, sound proof space, and there we would mouth off until the cows came home.

Now that I am older, and the sheer quantity of idiotic, dangerous, and lunatic people that I have come across has hit such a large number, I find that I can no longer hold my tongue. I can no longer filter my words. Words and vitriol spew out of my mouth at the very point of inspiration, with no 5-second delay so that the people upstairs can scrub them first before they are released to the public.

The solution? Well, I go out less. If I go out less, I'm exposed to less trash and garbage, and then my desire to lash out like a holy demon of hell is less.

But really, one of the main solutions has been my lovely bride-to-be... Kathryn.

Because she stops me from typing. It's a very... very... VERY important position in my life.

And when she's not around... you get posts like this one. She's at work right now, and thus can't softly and sweetly kiss me away from the keyboard. And I need to type this somewhere, or I will quite literally explode.

Explode like boom. A very nasty explosion, natch.

I just read something terribly frightening on the great mass of intelligence known as FetLife. A certain abusive, vile, disgusting individual who I have had the misfortune of dealing with may back in my distant past, who not surprisingly had recently dropped out of the SM scene again due to flagrant accounts of abuse, has decided to pop his head back up again.

He's sorry. He's done work to fix himself. He has delved deep within himself and finally (with the help of doctors and friends, of course) has been deemed worthy of coming back out into the SM scene anew.

Once upon a time, I took this worthless excuse for a human being under my wing. Almost 10 years ago, I brought him places. I took him to parties, to events. I introduced him to people. I answered his questions, and was his friend.

He returned that favor by seducing someone who was very close and dear to me, who was already in a relationship with me, and then proceeded to verbally and emotionally abuse her. And she wasn't the only person she did this to. Over the years I've heard story after story of others he was a prick to.

He left NYC at one point, and I thought we were finally rid of him. Nothing to worry about, he's gone, another city's problem. But... much to my chagrin, he came back. And when he did, he was greater than ever. Now, he was SUPER DOM, he was a big KINK EDUCATOR, he was a FEMINIST, he was the great shining example of a cis-gendered male eschewing his privilege and seducing little girls left and right!!! He was a bag of skittles on top of a unicorn who never shat a day in its life!!!

And then he hurt people. Again. He abused them. He took advantage of them. He broke their trust, crossed their limits. Again.

And now he's back.

I want to respond to his post. I want to write with great fury how I feel about his return. But of course, I can't. That just wouldn't be proper.

So I write to no one here.

Dear fuckwad.

One of the few benefits of being in the scene for 15+ years is being able to see patterns. Seeing people over long lengths of time, observing their behaviors, and learning just how much of them is their true selves, and how much is simply subterfuge, costuming so they can be portrayed however they please. I've learned things in that observation.

I learned things about you.

Leopards don't change their spots. You have not changed. You were an abusive asshole 10 years ago, you were an abusive asshole 5 years ago, you were an abusive asshole last year, and now you're back to sell us another fucking paint job on the used piece of shit car that you are.

You wrote to me years ago when you came back to NYC that you were sorry. That you know you had hurt people, that you had changed. Asking me to take you back into my life and introduce you to my friends again and get you involved in everything I was involved in so you can be right back where you were before you left.

I was very polite in my response. I said no... and then I wished you luck, and I went off on my way.

And look where we are now. Same place as 3 years ago. Can't say I'm surprised. Because I never for a fucking second believed you had changed.

Because you hadn't. Because you still haven't.

Sell whatever you want on FetLife. But know that there are those of us who have truly known you for years. And we know better.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
pierceheart
Feb. 11th, 2012 12:19 am (UTC)
This is one of those things that really worries me, because, well, someone I care about is involved with someone who has recently said "I was a dick" and worse ...

And I don't know if it's the same person, and from what the person I know has said to me, none of this has been part of their situation.

So, if it is, I don't know what the fuck to do about it, as the person close to me does seem to care about "I was a dick and worse" person.
jkuroda
Feb. 11th, 2012 07:23 am (UTC)
An apology consists of many things
One of them is intent.

One apologizes to express honest heartfelt guilt and shame for ones (mis)deeds for the purpose of ... expressing honest regret about ones actions. Period.

Asking to be taken back and given all the privileges afforded one before screwing up should not be part of an apology. Acknowledging that one may never have those things again can and perhaps should be.

The former implies that one is more concerned with what one wants to get (or take) from another instead of what latter implies - honest regret and an acknowledgment of having done so much wrong that one may not ever be forgiven.

Responsibility. Honesty. Accountability.

Change, much like proof, is in the pudding, or to use Mr. Gump's words -- Changed is as changed does.
ahpook_is_here
Feb. 11th, 2012 08:02 pm (UTC)
"I want to respond to his post. I want to write with great fury how I feel about his return. But of course, I can't. That just wouldn't be proper.'

What does that even mean? Calling him out where it is relevant only increases your integrity in my eyes, and probably in the eyes of others who matter. Fuck propriety and scene politicking. Post away.
wendy_m_l
Feb. 12th, 2012 06:15 pm (UTC)
Boymeat, thanks for posting. I'm with ahpook_is_here, though. People need to know this person's identity. And here's why: How many times have any of us been involved with someone we should've avoided like the plague? And as much as our friends might have warned us, we didn't listen because "They just don't know hir like I know hir."
Conversely, how many times have we seen friends involved with shitheads, and had a crisis of conscience about whether to say "Run away!" to our friends? There's the risk of alienation and the end of the friendship, thus leaving the friend isolated with the abusive partner.

By publicly "outing" an abuser, the hope is that the micro-culture (in this case, some part of The Scene) will support the rejection of this person, and the culture will self-regulate.

During my time in The Scene, I saw it happen on a smaller scale, but I really would have liked to have seen it happen more often, this calling out people for their abusive behavior and rejecting them as soundly unfit for a place where a certain amount of safety and self-care (for the individual and the group) is necessary to push boundaries. I think there's so much anti-authoritarianism (not always a bad thing) and often daft "acceptance" for sociopathic behavior so as not to "judge someone's kink" (even when it's not so much a kink as a pathology), that the culture, by not self-policing more often, let the inmates run the ward, so to speak.

For me, part of the reason nobody's seen me in years is because I got burned out by the disproportionate ratio of ill-behaved whack-jobs to decent kinky people. I just couldn't deal with so much *tsuris*.

Anyway, I support you and your post.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )