Boymeat (boymeat) wrote,

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It all depends on what you choose to focus on...

This past Saturday, I underwent an eye exam, and ordered my first real pair of glasses. Slowly my long-distance vision has been getting worse, over the period of years. You can imagine my surprise that this was to be a mother-fucker of a metaphor for my entire life.

I have taken much joy out of the short time (near) goals and obstancles that I have navigated. Tackling things like my parent's personal injury case settlement, which should provide financial security for them for the rest of their lives. Finally getting a passport, handling small crises in the SM world. All short term challenges that I rose to take on, and conquer.

Of course, in all my focusing of things that I could see close to me, my far-sighted vision grew dim. I hadn't been aware that I was really living a life in a hotel room... a guest in my own life. Now I find myself staring at empty luggage, that I soon need to fill.

Do I have any future goals? I thought I had. It was a simple one really... to be happy. To live with a smile on my face. The rest were all... details. Details that I would hurdle as they approached. The transferal of long-sighted vision to near-sighted. I had a place to lie my head... I turned and and looked and I was happy. Now it has come to surface that I am really a guest in that world. The owner of the hotel as come with the bill... and I never made any plans as to how to pay it. Nor did I ever think to inquire about the daily rates.

So, I think I will pack tonight. And figure out what comes next from there. At any rate, there will be some smiles at the end of this short-term trip. Some people will have smiles to see me.

I won't. I'll be crying.

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