I'm sorry I haven't written in so long... but I don't know what to say. I'm so sick and tired of whining and bitching and exclaiming how my life sucks so much in this journal. I'm sick of being a 28 year-old man with the emotional insecurity (and problems that cause them) of a 14 year-old.
It's. So. Fucking. Frustrating. *bangs head into table for emphasis*
So many things are going wrong it is ridiculous. Healthwise, my mother, father, and myself are figuring out what next. (My appointment with the ear guy is on the 7th.) I found out that communication with one of the main people I want to talk to has to be cut off, for reasons unexplainable and completely not my doing. And now there is a rocky situation regarding my place of residence... more on that, or not, in a later post. Probably not, though.
I want escapes from reality. I don't care how in the long run it won't help or change anything. It's what I want. I cannot wait for the Flea where I get to be "Boymeat," and surround myself with my friends once again. I miss friends. I miss social encounters. I just don't know how to drag my ass of my computer chair and get there.
I look forward to occasions where I can meet new people.
Someone recently told me they were worried about me. That they have observed that I have not been participating in social events, or placing myself in social situations. And that this goes against my inner grain so much that it is a cause for concern.
She was right. Without my friends, without the social universe, I'm lost. I thrive in public places, being a social being.
Another friend recently commented on age play. It was an amazing post... and talked about the core of what age play really is. She spoke about how age play, for her, is the current desire and need to just curl up with "Daddy" and be taken care of, consoled. That need for another person to look up to, and know that they will take care of you, and make things safe and good again.
Here is my problem. I feel like a useless man right now. A failed one. I am a Daddy who cannot console, who cannot help. With no one to hold and comfort. People have longed asked, are you a Master without a slave? Are you a slave without a Master?
I don't know. Never did. But I know what it is like to be a Daddy truly without one he can call his own. Useless.
Sorry folks. Emo again. Shit.