Boymeat (boymeat) wrote,

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Life just never stops, does it?

Hello loyal fans... I promised you all a party report... well, I'm gonna give you that, and then some.

The party was a lot of fun. I love private parties - the list of people is controlled, which created a weekend with all good (well mostly) players. The mostly refers to a little 19 year old who is now a pro-domme working for another one of the guests. We dubbed this girl pinball-girl... she was all over the place, starting everything and finishing nothing, and annoying everyone. Oh yeah, one of her bottoms passed out too. So funny...

Anyway, I had some really nice scenes. I was enormously happy to see S from Boston... I missed her terribly. Its amazing that no matter how long the time is between seeing her, we always pick up right after we left off. Fabulous, fabulous scene, lots of fun. I also met her new boyfriend Z - an absolutely adorable FTM... I hope to get to know him more soon... and thanks to S, I got the inside track! ;-)

I also bottomed to a bondage scene... I was strapped in a leather sleepsack and leather hood, then suspended high up in the air. I felt like I was only up for 10 minutes, but apparently I was up for more than an hour. What a glorious feeling... left to my own thoughts, floating in heaven. Problem was coming back down... absolutely no aftercare. And let me tell you, coming down from a scene like that is heavy, extremely heavy. I felt as if the entire world was on top of me... gravity was so heavy. The top had four other scenes going, and was the hostess of the party as well. Imp, well... Imp was in another space altogether all weekend, and simply could not be there for me. My sis was busy, and was unaware of what I needed, and I was so far under that I couldn't communicate it. So I wound up drifting around aimlessly for about an hour, getting more and more depressed, til my friend J found me, realized what I needed, pulled me into her arms, and I just cried and cried.

Now - the updates. Mom is home (yay!!!!), so life at home is becoming almost back to normal. Of course, no post of mine would be 100% good news, so here comes the bomb... The Imp and I broke up today. I am now completely single. She feels she just cannot give me what I need... I miss her horrendously already. I love her so much... and the thought of her not being in my life is almost too much to bear. Our needs were aligned for a long time... but somehow in the middle of January it shifted horrendously... and was never the same again. H - I love you... I miss you... and I can only dream one day I can have you back.

I have realized how much I need a primary. Secondary relationships are so fucking hard when you don't have that solid base at home supporting you. All my relationships have been about the other partner. I need a relationship that has firm time about ME. I need to be greedy at this point in my life. I have so many responsibilities that I need a submissive primary girl taking care of me. My Daddy role is so strong... it isn't a role, it IS me. I can't shut it off... and it has been 2 years since I have had a girl of my own. Yes, for a few months there, I was deliriously happy... but... it disappeared right under my nose. Yes... I NEED. And what sucks is that being needy is so damn unattractive... Catch 22 - how do show what you need and how much you need it when neediness is so undesirable?

I promise, one of these days you're gonna get a 100% happy post from me... Boy I hope so. I cant take many more of these depressing ones.

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