Anyway, I was teaching my new Suriving Corporal class at GMSMA-TNG. And it felt... different. Forced. I was struggling... both in getting the thoughts out and with basic English skills. I wasn't sure if it was due to the rambunctiousness of the crowd, or if I was tired and it was mid-week...
But then badfaggot pulled me aside, and let me in on an observation. I was very obviously (well, obvious to him, at any rate) working at changing all the gender pronouns when relaying anecdotes of my scene history while teaching at GMSMA. I wind up making everyone gender neutral, and speak a lot in the third person. And, he informed me, it winds up taking some of the impact and usefullness out of the stories I have to share because it doesn't get communicated well.
(I should add here rogueboi noted to me about how I rarely spoke in I terminology. So, it was observed by another, though for a different reason.)
badfaggot told me this before... but I guess this time I heard it.
And... it is interesting. I am not sure how to react. A part of me believes I am doing that because I am in male-space, and I should be doing my part to honor that. Another part of me is reacting to a request a few years ago in the same group from a member to do precicely that - please stop talking about girls at GMSMA-TNG. badfaggot had a third observation - that I so very much want to be a part of that male space, that I over-compensate.
OK, I recognized the problem. Still haven't figured out the solution. A part of me IS afraid to let my bisexual freak flag fly in an organization that in it's very name states: GAY MALE S/M Activists. And... I suppose I am afraid of being placed back onto the fence, and treated as lesser-than if I were to publically state my dalliences with women.
Guess I'll just throw this out in the ether... let's see what comes back.