March 11th, 2001

Dreaming red - This one is long, folks

An amazon.com package came the other day... picked up some CDs introduced to me by Boston friends (the influence runs deeper and deeper). Poe, and two Delirium CDs... One song off Delirium's Karma CD is really touching me - track two, Duende.

Very rarely does a song touch the vampyre within. Very rarely do I even write about it. But these lyrics... dark, evil, full of misery, yet musically touched with romantic brilliance. My teeth grow sharper with every note.

Bleak desolation
In a beam of Sun

Scraping as I crawl (Your heart can't hear me)
Tearing bruising fall (Your hands can't hear me)
Thirsting raging blind (Your eyes can't hear me)
Racing against time (Your arms can't hear me)

Like an angel you'll come
In a dream, precious one
(And) Make me beautifully numb

Desperate panicked calls (The wind can't hear me)
Muffled weak and small (The sand can't hear me)
Pleading, groping hands (The truth can't hear me)
Bleeding in the sand (Your heart can't hear me)

Bleak desolation
In a beam of Sun
Like an angel you'll come
In a dream, blessed one
(And) Make me joyfully numb

Razor fingers cling (The wind can't hear me)
Piercing demons sing (The sand can't hear me)
Twisting hollow Hell (The truth can't hear me)
Burning blisters swell (Your heart can't hear me)
Sharp cut aching breath (Your arms can't hear me)
Choking scent of death (Your hands can't hear me)
Gruelling jaw-bone grind (Your eyes can't hear me)
Cursed by my own mind (Your heart can't hear me)

Vampyre - it is both a blessing and a curse. Without doubt the most frightening aspect of that which is me. It has no notions of good or evil... of unproper or pure... right or wrong... all it knows is lust. I have stared at friends as if they are nothing more than prey to my Beast. And I have frightened them. And myself.

Thankfully, my will is strong. I keep it under control. But it is not an easy struggle. When I first awakened, I had thought I was going crazy. I saw the world with a haze of blood red. I could smell the blood with great distances between us... the menses over a day yet still lingering in scent. It was all I could do not to tear flesh.

But the taste... the energy... heavanly brilliance. The finest wine ever drunk... the power of it burning down my throat. Refilling me with life. Higher than a cloud. It is a frightening addiction... worse than any drug, yet neccessary as air and water. A blessing. A curse. This is the evil within me. This is what makes my crystal blue eyes... turn slate grey.

I am starving as I type this. Despite the white-background of the screen, all I see is red. It is almost as if I am teething once again. I have to survive through the week... I will feed this weekend. But until then... sheer agony. When I sit in a meeting, and smell the blood pumping through all the veins in the room. When bare necks tantalize and tease me. When my teeth constantly grind... and seek my friends flesh. I must bite. I must control the Beast. I hunger.
  • Current Music
    Delirium - Duende