January 5th, 2005

loser - made by ozw

Old man

Aieee. I'm getting old.

I am a plague of physical disasters right now. After partying heavily on NY'ers, I collaped into a heap of sleep on the gracious host's futon. While it was great to have this place to curl up, my back now hates me. An age and a day ago I threw out my back in the infamous "Boston Babes Break Boymeat" incident... I am now discovering that because of that, futons are probably out of the question for me. What started as back pain is now complete muscle soreness from my lower back all the way down my thighs, seemingly due to me being stiff in the legs as a way of overcompensating for my back.

I had a Danish masseuse available to me last week, and I did not take her up on her services. Well, I did... but, other services. Silly me.

And I'm deaf.

Just call me grandpameat.

PS - I wrote a very poignant post last night, and then decided to mark it private. Some of you have written checking up on me since - I am alright... I just had second thoughts and decided to keep that one closer to my chest.

PPS - I had third thoughts, along with a healthy e-mail, and decided to put it back up.
  • Current Mood
    sore sore

The Bisexual Challenge?

Tonight I had yet another personal discovery. Jeez, I really need to quit it with those.

Anyway, I was teaching my new Suriving Corporal class at GMSMA-TNG. And it felt... different. Forced. I was struggling... both in getting the thoughts out and with basic English skills. I wasn't sure if it was due to the rambunctiousness of the crowd, or if I was tired and it was mid-week...

But then badfaggot pulled me aside, and let me in on an observation. I was very obviously (well, obvious to him, at any rate) working at changing all the gender pronouns when relaying anecdotes of my scene history while teaching at GMSMA. I wind up making everyone gender neutral, and speak a lot in the third person. And, he informed me, it winds up taking some of the impact and usefullness out of the stories I have to share because it doesn't get communicated well.

(I should add here rogueboi noted to me about how I rarely spoke in I terminology. So, it was observed by another, though for a different reason.)

badfaggot told me this before... but I guess this time I heard it.

And... it is interesting. I am not sure how to react. A part of me believes I am doing that because I am in male-space, and I should be doing my part to honor that. Another part of me is reacting to a request a few years ago in the same group from a member to do precicely that - please stop talking about girls at GMSMA-TNG. badfaggot had a third observation - that I so very much want to be a part of that male space, that I over-compensate.

OK, I recognized the problem. Still haven't figured out the solution. A part of me IS afraid to let my bisexual freak flag fly in an organization that in it's very name states: GAY MALE S/M Activists. And... I suppose I am afraid of being placed back onto the fence, and treated as lesser-than if I were to publically state my dalliences with women.

Guess I'll just throw this out in the ether... let's see what comes back.