June 28th, 2007

Learning more.

A lot of my friends have been learning a lot about themselves lately. I have learned a whole lot in the last year, and some lessons were definitely solidified for me at Leather Retreat. Some things I have learned:
  • I have a tongue fetish.
I love to be licked. Seeing a tongue on my skin makes me shiver with delight. Feeling someone who I am extremely attracted to lick my face slowly brings me right t to the edge. Attractiveness is key here, however. Random people just running up and licking me... er, not so much.
  • I no longer need to play as much as I have.
I used to be interested in playing non-stop. When I was at a play party, I felt the need to constantly play. I think behind my back, I became known as all scene, no aftercare. In the past few years, connection has certainly taken a much greater role in my life then just sheer amount of play. Some of my best times at Leather Retreat were the downtimes after a scene, or those moments when you are kind of in a scene, but kind of not. Social, aftercare, warmth. That kind of thing makes the scene oh so much sweeter.
  • Fluidity is key.
I always knew this, but sometimes struggled with it. My relationships are best when they are allowed to remain fluid. I try not to attach too much in the way of rules in my life, that way we are free to grow and move with the situation. This is working well in many of my relationships, and especially well in my role as a Master and Owner. My Master/slave relationship is completely unorthodox, and would surely be ruled invalid by many who walk that path. Thankfully, those I surround myself with recognize that a relationship is however you define it. For my slave and I, this structure is working very well.
  • I AM a switch, and I enjoy bottoming.
This is quite the revelation. After bottoming almost exclusively for many years, I then turned my attention to topping. And topping is where I stuck, bottoming only to lolitasir every now and then. And I would be very insistent that I would only bottom to her. When we did play, they were generally major scenes - hard, take-down, cathartic. I never said this to anyone, and I mean anyone, but I began to pull away from those as well. The prospect of a major pain and torment scene would become too much for me to bear, and I would sometimes try to avoid them.

I then allowed something very strange, which I alluded to in previous posts. I let dahling top me, using the many bondage toys I had been collecting over the years (taking care to blow off the dust that I also collected with them). I really, really got into that, and looked to do more. We experimented with a little impact play... a little cane here, a little cane there.

At Leather Retreat, I would sometimes get punched by someone. A friend, a leather family member. I hated it, but put on a good face. It was too assaulting, too sudden, too much force at once. But then I bottomed in two "formal" scenes. holey1 redid my cutting while teaching a bloodsports class, and we definitely turned it into a scene. I confirmed that I loved getting cut... the feeling of the scalpel so exquisite. Earlier than that, I was sitting on the porch, just relaxing in the early evening, and holey1 began to cane my thigh. I sat there and took it at first because she is my Momma Bear, and I am a good boy. But soon, as the light, whippy cane came down in almost a metronome fashion on my thigh, I began writhing. I loved this! The slow build up in pain and sensation was so exquisite, so good.

Yes lolitasir, I enjoy getting caned. Even better with the friction. (Sorry folks... inside joke.)

Maybe it's all about balance. Maybe it was a little shame. But, I'm happy again to be who I am.
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