Boymeat (boymeat) wrote,

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I realized I haven't written about my father in a while.

Dad has been back in the hospital now for almost a week. They brought him in to do another clean-out surgery, and then discovered that he has a circulation blockage in the leg we're trying to save.

That's bad.

So, we've been waiting to see what the next step is there. Unfortunately, his weight is a big issue. They took him to do a MRI on the leg, and then discovered that he is too heavy for the machine they have. Ditto for an angiogram. So now they need to find an angiogram which can suit him. Which means it is probably another week until it happens. While we wait, he gets sent back to the rehab center, and continues the antibiotics.

Oh yeah - he was also over-hydrated in the hospital, and thus got fluid in his lungs. So, this week he has also enjoyed the joys of oxygen. Great.

I will admit, it is starting to wear on me. It's hard to be upbeat and positive and hope filled, especially when we know we are still fighting such a slim chance.

Every time I talk to the doctor, I get a fantasy that they will tell me the infection is all clear, that life will go back to normal. And then I get the fear that normal will never happen again. That the definition I have for normal is no longer valid... that this is the new normal.

People ask me how am I holding up. I love/hate that question. I love it because it means people care, and that means more than the world to me. Really. I do like hearing that, and knowing people are there for me. I hate it though because I always have to lie. I mean, really... how am I holding up? If I told the truth everytime someone asked me that... that I was scared shitless, tired from the back-and-forth between work and the hospital, that the weight of being "in charge" is really fucking heavy... if I told people that every time someone asked me, I'd be a balling mess.

So I say I'm OK. So I can steel myself.

Thankfully, I kind of am. dahling has been amazing. And lolitasir. I am taking the time to live, to enjoy my own life at the same time as I take care of others. I have had wonderful guests in my home. I am going to Dark Odyssey, which is important to me. I will be going to Folsom Fringe. I'm living.

Sometimes, I even smile.

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