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I realized I haven't written about my father in a while.

Dad has been back in the hospital now for almost a week. They brought him in to do another clean-out surgery, and then discovered that he has a circulation blockage in the leg we're trying to save.

That's bad.

So, we've been waiting to see what the next step is there. Unfortunately, his weight is a big issue. They took him to do a MRI on the leg, and then discovered that he is too heavy for the machine they have. Ditto for an angiogram. So now they need to find an angiogram which can suit him. Which means it is probably another week until it happens. While we wait, he gets sent back to the rehab center, and continues the antibiotics.

Oh yeah - he was also over-hydrated in the hospital, and thus got fluid in his lungs. So, this week he has also enjoyed the joys of oxygen. Great.

I will admit, it is starting to wear on me. It's hard to be upbeat and positive and hope filled, especially when we know we are still fighting such a slim chance.

Every time I talk to the doctor, I get a fantasy that they will tell me the infection is all clear, that life will go back to normal. And then I get the fear that normal will never happen again. That the definition I have for normal is no longer valid... that this is the new normal.

People ask me how am I holding up. I love/hate that question. I love it because it means people care, and that means more than the world to me. Really. I do like hearing that, and knowing people are there for me. I hate it though because I always have to lie. I mean, really... how am I holding up? If I told the truth everytime someone asked me that... that I was scared shitless, tired from the back-and-forth between work and the hospital, that the weight of being "in charge" is really fucking heavy... if I told people that every time someone asked me, I'd be a balling mess.

So I say I'm OK. So I can steel myself.

Thankfully, I kind of am. dahling has been amazing. And lolitasir. I am taking the time to live, to enjoy my own life at the same time as I take care of others. I have had wonderful guests in my home. I am going to Dark Odyssey, which is important to me. I will be going to Folsom Fringe. I'm living.

Sometimes, I even smile.


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 30th, 2006 12:28 am (UTC)
Miss & luv ya man.....

Janice & my thoughts are with you & your family...
Aug. 30th, 2006 12:32 am (UTC)
I am taking the time to live, to enjoy my own life at the same time as I take care of others. I have had wonderful guests in my home. ... I'm living.

This is the thing that I'm most glad to read. Being so far away I didn't want to be one of the "are you ok" people, but I was worried that you might not... well, you are living your life still, and that is so important.

Thank you for including me in your updates.
Aug. 30th, 2006 12:47 am (UTC)
Hey there,
I just wanted you to know that you and our family are in my thoughts. I know that you don't know me very well, but if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. I hope you have a good night, I'll talk to you later.

::hugs:: take care,
Aug. 30th, 2006 01:09 am (UTC)
thank you for posting.. Ive been wondering but didnt want to ask because I knew you probably have to answer the same question all the time...and youre right.. theyre asking because they do care. I understand why you simply say "ok".. but..I hope youre letting yourself not do that sometimes.

Aug. 30th, 2006 01:32 am (UTC)
like I said before, you're doing a damn fine job. You are earning many brownie points in the hearts of Jewish girls everywhere for taking such good care of your family. (Not that that should be a primary motivator, but maybe it helps?)

When you want to redeem your brownie points just let me know. :-)
Aug. 30th, 2006 02:02 am (UTC)
Aug. 30th, 2006 02:05 am (UTC)
Even the people who don't know you very well care and are sending good thoughts your way.
Aug. 30th, 2006 02:09 am (UTC)
Re: *hugs*
Aug. 30th, 2006 06:04 am (UTC)
Re: *hugs*
Aug. 30th, 2006 03:21 am (UTC)
You are very blessed to have such wonderful people who care about you and that includes me. Remember to take it one day, one step, one moment at a time. You will drive yourself nuts if you try and think of all the what-ifs.

Hang in there...and have a blast at DO!
Aug. 30th, 2006 03:22 am (UTC)
I love you, and am happy to hear you're finding some ways to be taken care of and to enjoy life.
Aug. 30th, 2006 03:55 am (UTC)
I’m thinking of you.
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:09 am (UTC)
You know it sucks to be the one in charge. Been there twice myself. And it sucks to watch the people who always cared for you suddenly need the caring. In fact, it just sucks.

I wish this damn job didn't start when it did. I wish I could be there to truly help you and take some of the pressure off. But reality is that I'm stuck in frigging Syracuse with two days to come in WI. Then I've got to get a paper done this weekend. Perhaps I'll see my way clear to come up for a day next week and do something nice for you. If I'm still alive that is.

Let me see what kind of rabbit I can pull out of my non-existent hat.
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:31 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking of you, and your dad.

I also get the love/hate relationship with "how are you holding up?" so I'll just say... if you need help being held up, please let me know. I have strong arms.
Aug. 30th, 2006 06:21 pm (UTC)
You're doing an amazing job!
Sep. 1st, 2006 12:28 am (UTC)
Hugs to you.
Sending strength and fortitude your way too.
You already have plenty, but extra never hurts.
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )