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Having come home from the Spread Magazine Sex Worker art show opening, my mind is a flutter of thoughts.

I am at my worst when left alone to think. My brain can be so damaging to me sometimes... doubt, paranoia, questioning everything. It's really counterproductive to my overall goal of living happily.

Funny, that is the second time that I used "counterproductive" today. I wonder what that means.

See what I mean? It doesn't have to have a meaning!!!

I gazed the longest at dominicvine's photographs. I mean, I enjoyed the others, and they certainly had meaning that I could understand. But it was these photographs that were real to me. That represented the overall goal of the show.

It got me thinking about beauty. And what that is to me.

I remember always looking up to my father. When I was really young, I aspired to look like him. His ease at growing a beard and mustache. His body covered in hair. I always wondered when I would become as hirsute.

As I grew older, I became aware of his faults. I saw what life had done to him... how relationships in his life that should have made him stronger did just the opposite. I saw him as overweight. Unhealthy.

My fantasies for men changed. Maybe it was because of my new imagery of my Dad. Maybe it was because I never really had a childhood. That I was forced to be an adult at such a young age. I began to fantasize about boys. Men, but boys.

"I want my men to look sixteen and hairless" I've been known to say. I like 'em looking young, like a teenager.

Maybe the way I want to be.

I started looking through dominicvine's group of photos on Flckr. And I came across an image that struck me. Hard. It was my father. I mean, it wasn't actually my father. But... it was. He had the same grin. The same furrowed brow. The facial structure... the hair... the lips. The signs of age, and size, and hair... and...

And all these men commented on how beautiful the man was. Is. It was a photo that on any other day, I would have clicked right past. But I read those comments, and I looked at the photo again. And they were right, he was beautiful. Is beautiful.

Full circle perhaps. I don't know. My dick doesn't get hard at the sight of such beauty. Like it did when I was 11. But... I saw beauty again. Perhaps, I allowed myself to see it.

They should have a group for people who date sex workers. Yes, that was a non sequitur.


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 2nd, 2007 02:23 am (UTC)

They should have a group for people who date sex workers.

You're right, they should. We should.

Wanna start one? Maybe just here on LJ? Locked, friends only? Support, and funny stories?

May. 2nd, 2007 03:01 am (UTC)
You know, this isn't the worst idea in the world.
May. 2nd, 2007 03:48 am (UTC)
I would join to learn and share from past experience.
May. 2nd, 2007 11:09 am (UTC)
What should we call it?

May. 2nd, 2007 02:24 am (UTC)
art good
You have touched on something.

Those moments where you get to see the world through different eyes and learn something about yourself in the process.

Thank you for sharing yourself.
Thank you for sharing yourself in just so many ways.
May. 2nd, 2007 02:46 am (UTC)
My dick doesn't get hard at the sight of such beauty. Like it did when I was 11. But... I saw beauty again. Perhaps, I allowed myself to see it.

Does beauty always have to be sexually stimulating?
May. 2nd, 2007 03:00 am (UTC)
No, it doesn't. But I find it interesting that at one point, said beauty WAS, but is not anymore.
May. 2nd, 2007 03:10 am (UTC)
I agree, it does not. That is interesting. I have found that tastes change. Things I found erotic as a young man may not interest me now and vice versa. The same is true of beauty for me. I suspect many people are like that. I've heard it said, "varity is the spice of life" and it does appear to be true.
(Deleted comment)
May. 2nd, 2007 01:55 pm (UTC)
Granted I'm not sure it's true for everyone. It's just that based on my observations it appears to be true for most. I think tastes reappearing is more of a side effect of the cyclical nature of life.
May. 2nd, 2007 08:39 am (UTC)
Bring on the fur!
as to the last statement, I am sure there is somewhere on LJ, if not in general. I know enough such partners to make it a serious group that needs support.

just conversing with the earlier part of your post...

I tend to get really lost when by myself as well. I am my own worst enemy, in many ways.

and just thoughts your post made me think of...

I have a daddy complex that I revel in... now.

I really thought I was a sexual freak when I was first becoming a sexual being. I know it's not original, but I was sexually abused by the men in my life since before I could remember. I have faint early memories, and was removed from the abusive household when i was 5 or so. I was a very precocious child with the men of my adoptive family.

From the time I was 8 - 12 I was sexually abused by my father (my adoptive father). I have clear memories of being very flirtatious with my uncles prior even to that, and recall having a really non-cosensual, but what I felt/ was made to feel was a somewhat consensual relationship with my father (as I was becoming a sexual being at the time, and he was the one I loved most).

That's just to give history, not to process.

I have maintained, and now have the comfortability to revel in, my daddy attraction that I have always possessed for whatever reasons. It is what it is, and I shouldn't, and am not embarrassed of it anymore. If anything, as I have gotten older, I have been able to actually live it in heathly ways.

i do recall the horror in this one guy's eyes when I told him he reminded me of a younger version of my father. haha. that was when I was a few years ago, when I siad it as I was surprised (and freaked out) as it was true. needless to say, that was so not the thing to say to this guy who was only 10 years older than me, and really into me. poof, gone it was.

I missed the whole boy fascination. I had it when they were my age, but I consistantly surrounded myself with older people throughout my early youth, that those are the ones I still very much relate to.
May. 2nd, 2007 06:23 pm (UTC)
You would self-destruct if you had my life
I am always alone...and thinking

Re boys.
I am guilty of this too.
Lately I have been into "Thai Ladyboys"
Like masturbating for hours on end


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )