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Learning more.

A lot of my friends have been learning a lot about themselves lately. I have learned a whole lot in the last year, and some lessons were definitely solidified for me at Leather Retreat. Some things I have learned:
  • I have a tongue fetish.
I love to be licked. Seeing a tongue on my skin makes me shiver with delight. Feeling someone who I am extremely attracted to lick my face slowly brings me right t to the edge. Attractiveness is key here, however. Random people just running up and licking me... er, not so much.
  • I no longer need to play as much as I have.
I used to be interested in playing non-stop. When I was at a play party, I felt the need to constantly play. I think behind my back, I became known as all scene, no aftercare. In the past few years, connection has certainly taken a much greater role in my life then just sheer amount of play. Some of my best times at Leather Retreat were the downtimes after a scene, or those moments when you are kind of in a scene, but kind of not. Social, aftercare, warmth. That kind of thing makes the scene oh so much sweeter.
  • Fluidity is key.
I always knew this, but sometimes struggled with it. My relationships are best when they are allowed to remain fluid. I try not to attach too much in the way of rules in my life, that way we are free to grow and move with the situation. This is working well in many of my relationships, and especially well in my role as a Master and Owner. My Master/slave relationship is completely unorthodox, and would surely be ruled invalid by many who walk that path. Thankfully, those I surround myself with recognize that a relationship is however you define it. For my slave and I, this structure is working very well.
  • I AM a switch, and I enjoy bottoming.
This is quite the revelation. After bottoming almost exclusively for many years, I then turned my attention to topping. And topping is where I stuck, bottoming only to lolitasir every now and then. And I would be very insistent that I would only bottom to her. When we did play, they were generally major scenes - hard, take-down, cathartic. I never said this to anyone, and I mean anyone, but I began to pull away from those as well. The prospect of a major pain and torment scene would become too much for me to bear, and I would sometimes try to avoid them.

I then allowed something very strange, which I alluded to in previous posts. I let dahling top me, using the many bondage toys I had been collecting over the years (taking care to blow off the dust that I also collected with them). I really, really got into that, and looked to do more. We experimented with a little impact play... a little cane here, a little cane there.

At Leather Retreat, I would sometimes get punched by someone. A friend, a leather family member. I hated it, but put on a good face. It was too assaulting, too sudden, too much force at once. But then I bottomed in two "formal" scenes. holey1 redid my cutting while teaching a bloodsports class, and we definitely turned it into a scene. I confirmed that I loved getting cut... the feeling of the scalpel so exquisite. Earlier than that, I was sitting on the porch, just relaxing in the early evening, and holey1 began to cane my thigh. I sat there and took it at first because she is my Momma Bear, and I am a good boy. But soon, as the light, whippy cane came down in almost a metronome fashion on my thigh, I began writhing. I loved this! The slow build up in pain and sensation was so exquisite, so good.

Yes lolitasir, I enjoy getting caned. Even better with the friction. (Sorry folks... inside joke.)

Maybe it's all about balance. Maybe it was a little shame. But, I'm happy again to be who I am.


( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 29th, 2007 02:39 am (UTC)
Sometimes we have to live for a little while with things that we've tucked away into a special, quiet place to realize that we miss them, and if we take them out of their quiet place we can enjoy them even more fully than we thought we ever would. I'm happy for you!
Jun. 29th, 2007 03:23 am (UTC)
I am glad you are happy once again to be who you are.

Slow build ups in pain and sensation are incredible for me too! It's nice to have a balance.

Since my ritual in January, my connections have been much more powerful and loving.


Jun. 29th, 2007 03:58 am (UTC)
Ketchup, hamburger!
Something, something.
Everybody's doing it, doing it!
And it's okay.
Better than okay - it's great!

I marvel at the spirit of Oink!

Jun. 29th, 2007 04:24 am (UTC)
I recall fondly when a certain someone helped me embrace that aspect of myself... and Im glad you have discovered (Rediscovered?) the pleasure in it. :)
Jun. 29th, 2007 05:56 am (UTC)
I'm happy you're who you are, too. :-)
Jun. 29th, 2007 06:31 am (UTC)
Those are good things to know about yourself.

I own a slave and the relationship that she and I have is not the norm. I think that what works for you works for you.

And, just because I own property does not mean I don't enjoy someone who knows how to top. Its a wonderful thing to be able to surrender to being a bottom occasionally. I wish you played in the Northwest cause after seeing you in action, I'd love to play.

Hey...Seattle, you know you want to...
Jun. 29th, 2007 12:33 pm (UTC)
Rock on with your bad self!
Jun. 29th, 2007 03:05 pm (UTC)
I love reading about how, even after all of your years in the scene, your tastes are still evolving, your definitions are changing, and your interest in exploring who you are, what you like, and what you do has never stopped. This is what makes you great friend, play partner and person to connect with - you haven't lost your passion for the scene and what we do, and you bring that to your interactions with people. I love being a small part of that.
Jun. 29th, 2007 03:17 pm (UTC)
hmm .. see how much fun if could be with you spending a month in a CB rig then.. such knowledge you could gain .. Just think of all the possibilities.. the insight.. the chances to bottom...
Lolitasir - dont you agree?

Jun. 29th, 2007 04:33 pm (UTC)
Frank - you got any other games you might want to play, or this CD permanently stuck in your drive?
Jun. 29th, 2007 04:55 pm (UTC)
a few.. but they require electricty and/or sharp edges...
Jun. 29th, 2007 04:47 pm (UTC)
It's nice to be able to look at yourself and know who and what you really are.

A lesson that took me over 30 years to come to terms with.
Jul. 11th, 2007 01:49 pm (UTC)
I'd be interested in hearing more about your Master/slave relationship, and its unorthodoxy.
Jul. 11th, 2007 01:58 pm (UTC)
We should definitely talk. We should try to carve out some talky time between us.
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )