• Mood: contemplative

Thunder and Needles, oh my!

I had a great time this past weekend at Thunder in the Mountains. It was my first time attending the event, and I went as a regular attendee - no teaching commitments, no vending, no volunteering. It was wonderful spending it as lolitasir's date. We used to do events like that all the time - she teaching, me just tagging along. The weekend was a wonderful revisit to the past - all in all a lovely experience.

That being said, it was at the same time strange to be attending an event where I had no responsibilities whatsoever. Sometimes I would get a brief panic that I had forgotten something, but no... I was indeed off-duty. In addition to being without official tasks, I was also rather anonymous at the event. Hardly anyone knew me, and vice-versa, which allowed me to just blend in and be a part of the crowd. Again, something that hasn't happened in a very long time. The result was lots of quality time with lolitasir, my leather family, and presenters who I was friends with.

Speaking of presenters... I won't go into names, but someone I know had come to the event with a brand new body mod - he had a subincision done to his cock (WARNING - link NOT worksafe or squeamish safe!!). At Thunder, a major piercing was then done to the newly made opening, in essence closing it with a long line of frenum piercings. When I first saw the original mod, I almost fainted. Naturally, the weekend was spent threatening a similar procedure on me. It got the reactions everyone wanted - my instinct was to run into a dark closet and hide.

Now, some of you may know how I am with needles - aka, not very good. Needles scare the ever living shit out of me. From play piercing all the way down to the simple blood test at the doctor's office, my heart rate speeds up, I begin to sweat... true fear enters my world. Years ago I was supposed to get both of my nipples pierced... my fear caused me to pussy-out of that for years, and eventually the would-be piercer, holey1, simply gave up on me.

I have been asked recently if I would be interested in getting skilled as a top in this arena... seeing as I have a lovely play partner who is growing into this mode of play. And even that question made me slightly uncomfortable. Mind you, I can play with scalpels, but for some reason needles just always puts me on edge.

And I think I have finally figured out why. For years, I have been in and out of hospitals as one of my parents were inside it. I have a whole history of hospital visits, caretaking for my parents during some procedure they needed to have done. Due to this, I have seen more than my share of needles - IVs, blood tests, the puncture points and bruises they cause, my fathers IV port that was installed during the latest round of surgeries. I have this huge association with needles - I equate them with unhealthiness and pain.

Logically, it is silly to me that an entire mode of SM play would be ruined for me in this fashion. But yet, I find it really hard to get myself over this hurdle. I think I want to - I once co-topped in a needle play/training session, and I actually enjoyed the process of inserting the needles - once I got over my initial fear. I can totally see myself enjoying it again. But the question is... how do I get over this amazingly deep seeded fear?