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Thunder and Needles, oh my!

I had a great time this past weekend at Thunder in the Mountains. It was my first time attending the event, and I went as a regular attendee - no teaching commitments, no vending, no volunteering. It was wonderful spending it as lolitasir's date. We used to do events like that all the time - she teaching, me just tagging along. The weekend was a wonderful revisit to the past - all in all a lovely experience.

That being said, it was at the same time strange to be attending an event where I had no responsibilities whatsoever. Sometimes I would get a brief panic that I had forgotten something, but no... I was indeed off-duty. In addition to being without official tasks, I was also rather anonymous at the event. Hardly anyone knew me, and vice-versa, which allowed me to just blend in and be a part of the crowd. Again, something that hasn't happened in a very long time. The result was lots of quality time with lolitasir, my leather family, and presenters who I was friends with.

Speaking of presenters... I won't go into names, but someone I know had come to the event with a brand new body mod - he had a subincision done to his cock (WARNING - link NOT worksafe or squeamish safe!!). At Thunder, a major piercing was then done to the newly made opening, in essence closing it with a long line of frenum piercings. When I first saw the original mod, I almost fainted. Naturally, the weekend was spent threatening a similar procedure on me. It got the reactions everyone wanted - my instinct was to run into a dark closet and hide.

Now, some of you may know how I am with needles - aka, not very good. Needles scare the ever living shit out of me. From play piercing all the way down to the simple blood test at the doctor's office, my heart rate speeds up, I begin to sweat... true fear enters my world. Years ago I was supposed to get both of my nipples pierced... my fear caused me to pussy-out of that for years, and eventually the would-be piercer, holey1, simply gave up on me.

I have been asked recently if I would be interested in getting skilled as a top in this arena... seeing as I have a lovely play partner who is growing into this mode of play. And even that question made me slightly uncomfortable. Mind you, I can play with scalpels, but for some reason needles just always puts me on edge.

And I think I have finally figured out why. For years, I have been in and out of hospitals as one of my parents were inside it. I have a whole history of hospital visits, caretaking for my parents during some procedure they needed to have done. Due to this, I have seen more than my share of needles - IVs, blood tests, the puncture points and bruises they cause, my fathers IV port that was installed during the latest round of surgeries. I have this huge association with needles - I equate them with unhealthiness and pain.

Logically, it is silly to me that an entire mode of SM play would be ruined for me in this fashion. But yet, I find it really hard to get myself over this hurdle. I think I want to - I once co-topped in a needle play/training session, and I actually enjoyed the process of inserting the needles - once I got over my initial fear. I can totally see myself enjoying it again. But the question is... how do I get over this amazingly deep seeded fear?


( 22 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 25th, 2007 02:26 pm (UTC)
Wow, I think you and I are in a similar space with regard to needles.
Jul. 25th, 2007 02:28 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah... thanks for linking the subincision. I couldn't remember what it was called.
It was good to see you this past weekend and to spend some time in quiet conversation. Thanks!
Jul. 25th, 2007 02:43 pm (UTC)
The joys of being anonymous and just being an attendee was the time it allowed me to spend with my friends. You especially.
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Jul. 25th, 2007 02:42 pm (UTC)
I've taught several times at the Flea, and I will definitely be at the Winter event, if not the Summer.
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Jul. 25th, 2007 02:44 pm (UTC)
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Jul. 25th, 2007 02:50 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I'm not woo-woo enough for Pagan events. Too much of a jaded NYer.
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Jul. 25th, 2007 02:53 pm (UTC)
Woo-woo - my term for anything spiritual or energy-related. :-)
Jul. 25th, 2007 02:34 pm (UTC)
I am completely needle phobic, and it took me years to get to a place where I ever wanted to try needle play. I forced myself to watch, to learn... but in the end it came down to just pushing through the cold sweat and the queasiness to be able to insert a needle into Mia's flesh. Its not something Ill do regularly...but Im glad I conquered it (not that Im not still terrified of the idea of a needle in MY body. ick!)
Jul. 25th, 2007 02:39 pm (UTC)
I got over my fear of needles and blood by just doing it. Over and over again--to myself, to different people, different times. Now it's my primary activity. :)
Jul. 25th, 2007 02:44 pm (UTC)
Perhaps my experience is sort of the opposite of yours. I got into needleplay and THEN got sick. I absolutely adore temporary piercings and the endorphin high they bring.

So, when I got sick with cancer one of the ways I coped was putting myself in the mindset similar to a needle scene. I used the same breathing and meditation techniques I used in scenes to get through the endless amount of poking I had to experience. I say endless, because I am a HORRIBLE stick and learned to LOVE the port they eventually put in. Man, I miss that thing!

However, even with that experience, I'm not sure I could ever top someone with needles, so my relevant comment stops here. :)
Jul. 25th, 2007 02:46 pm (UTC)
I had a similar needle phobia prior to starting transition and I confronted it by having dedicated time to interact with sterile needles, injecting saline into oranges mostly. In the case of play piercing, you could get a bunch of needles and just work at piercing an orange. It helps to get you acquainted with the needles in a low stress environment and can help to demystify things a bit.
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Jul. 25th, 2007 02:51 pm (UTC)

I think more boynick face in crotch would help anything and everything!
Jul. 25th, 2007 02:52 pm (UTC)
I got over my fear of needles by just breathing through it and looking at a focal point. I'm not as bad as I used to be because of it, I'm good at getting blood drawn, but getting something injected into me still freaks me out. But I've learned its something that you just have to do and not allow yourself to get worked up over it.

And it's not silly to have this association, you're human, you're allowed you're fears and worries just like the rest of us.
Jul. 25th, 2007 04:01 pm (UTC)
That which you fear, do right away.
Jul. 25th, 2007 04:51 pm (UTC)
I despise needles. I tip toed from the edge of fearing them and promptly fell off the cliff and into the abyss of phobia over the past two years.

The water isn't so bad down here. We still manage to get poked and prodded from time to time for medical and SM reasons with little more than tears and the occasional scream.

If you weren't so afraid of the deep end, I'd suggest skinny dipping. ;-)


Jul. 25th, 2007 05:04 pm (UTC)
Needles stir up a lot of energy for some people, especially anyone with half a woo. At the most recent class I attended, they suggested getting through this by doing needle play only with your most intimate partner. So maybe the answer is right under your nose if your lovely partner is the one who's growing into needles.
Jul. 25th, 2007 05:46 pm (UTC)
I had a partner with a very strong fear of knives... we played around with it gently, then less gently and now I think he likes them.

If you have someone who wants to play with them, maybe you'll get over it. If you don't have someone who wants to play with them, then maybe they're just better left in someone else's ballpark.
Jul. 25th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
I’ve had needles in me for play three times… the first was ONE needle, and I had it taken out shortly after. The second was part of a workshop and I basically went into shock shortly thereafter and had a horrible time with all of it. The third time was with my then-primary partner and it was a cathartic experience – made all the better by the inclusion of the violet wand.
Other times I’ve been mentally willing at first to try again – the situation made it not work out. I have VERY little interest in trying again apart from with very specific people in very specific and controlled conditions…

That being said…. I adore putting needles into other people. I love the artistry of it. I love the little gasps of the person I’m working with. I love the ritual of setting up the clean space. I love the drops of blood when the needles come out – just little drops – bright on her pale skin….

I also toss my distaste for needles in ME to medical things. I never had a problem with getting blood drawn before, and then I had some issues that required frequent blood draws, injections, tests, etc… and after that – I really grew to have a slight ‘fear’ of needles. I recently had to give myself injections and I simply couldn’t do it… I could put 1.5” 20 gauge needles into someone else, but I couldn’t put a .5” 30 gauge into myself.

Maybe try more co-topping with other needle-fans? Maybe having their confidence, energy, and love for this form of play will help you feel more accustomed and comfortable around them.. be able to change the feelings associated with needles at least a little bit in the situation of play….
Jul. 25th, 2007 09:17 pm (UTC)
you know I told myself, oh i'm not squeamish, i wonder what kind of bme that.... OHHOLEYMOTHEROFALLTHATISGOOD! *faint*

Jul. 25th, 2007 11:11 pm (UTC)
It was great errr meeting you and thoroughly embarassing myself in such a fine fashion. I hope to have future opportunities to hang out and maybe carry on a conversation unimpeded by massive amounts of happy endorphins :)

WRT needleplay squickiness, surely one of the things that makes it a bit wiggy is the very clinical appearance of hypodermic needles. I know it's not common but some people use acupuncture needles to good effect, and they shouldn't carry any bad medical associations.
Jul. 26th, 2007 11:22 am (UTC)
Interesting. I have wanted to add permanent piercing to list of skills. I find some body jewelry very sexy and often see lifestyle people showing off their newly acquire jingly bits at BDSM gatherings. All of them told me of how much it hurt and how they had it done in a studio. Hell, I love inflicting pain so what better place to have it done than a scene. Atlanta seems to be lacking. I know there are folks in other cities that incorporate permanent piercings into play. I need to need to find a mentor.

I can empathize with your fear of needles. I too spent a lot of time visiting hospitals for the illnesses of my parents. Although they both passed away at home, the hospital became the symbol of death for me. My fear is much more generalized. I hate the building. Other than the births of my daughters which caused me anxiety on many levels, the only way to to get me into one is to strap me down and carry me there in an ambulance. Ironically, I do enjoy medical scenes, but I would never top anywhere near one of those scary buildings.
Jul. 26th, 2007 09:05 pm (UTC)
Did you happen to notice the mark on my neck?
Remind me to tell you about my recent needle scene gone awry.
( 22 comments — Leave a comment )