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I am such an intelligent man. Really, I am.

Last night I sat down to enjoy watching St Elmo's Fire on the telly, and ordered in a scrumptious Chinese meal. A very long 45 minutes later, the food arrives, and I go downstairs to fetch it, grabbing my wallet on my way out the door.

I go to pay the man. But alas, my wallet, she is empty. Ah, no problem, I was keeping my cash in my pocket during Floating World, and I never replaced it into my wallet. I'll go back up and get it. The delivery man says OK.

I go upstairs. But alas, my door, she is locked. Ah, I never did switch the auto-lock button that I had set for kinkmogul to exit my apartment on her way back home. Problem.

I go downstairs. I try to explain to the delivery man what has happened. He pretends to conveniently not speak English. My doorman, bless his soul, lends me the money to send the delivery guy off.

I stand and take inventory of the situation.

I have a bag of scrumptious food. I don't, however, have any napkins, or utensils to eat it with, nor a table to rest it on.

I have an apartment with all of these things. But I do not have access to it. My girlfriend is out, and I do not know when she will return. Besides which, my cell phone is laughing at me as it is also stuck beyond my reach on the other side of my apartment door. Those phones can be like mischievous hyenas sometimes.

Wait, I have a lolitasir  4 blocks away! Yes! And she has keys! I use the doorman's phone, bless his soul, and talk to my lovely sis. She would be happy to let me in, but it will take a while for her to get ready. OK, at least I will be home.

I take my bag of food and sit on my stoop. There really isn't much to watch on a stoop facing a park. I mean, the occasional car, and dark trees, and that's about it. Not a very exciting show, if you ask me. It could have been dinner and a show... if it wasn't for the lack of utensils. I wasn't about to dig into my fried rice with my fingers... I must retain some of my remaining dignity, right?

Twenty minutes later, I start munching on my spare ribs. My pants grow dirty to my lack of napkins.

About 20 minutes after that, I am finally let back into my apartment by lolitasir.

I never did eat my rice. The sheer amount of pure genius of the evening satisfied me much more than food could ever.

Yup. I rock.


( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 28th, 2007 01:35 pm (UTC)
Nope, it was a pork extravaganza. Pork fried rice, pork ribs, pork dumplings.

I mean, the high holy days are coming just around the corner... got to get ready! (ooooh, I'm gonna get it for that one.)
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 28th, 2007 04:01 pm (UTC)
at least he only has to be guilty for a month or so...hopefully punishment will stop raining down on his head though. A month of this would be beyond WORDS....
Aug. 28th, 2007 02:07 pm (UTC)
That wouldn't be nearly as funny if it didn't seem like something I would do have done, more than once.

And I am SO with you on the pork-fest-pre-High-Holy-days....or on them...but I'm naughty and bad.
Aug. 28th, 2007 02:17 pm (UTC)
Doesn't the restaurant include chopsticks with your take-out order? What kind of inferior, fly-by-night establishment do you regularly order from? Not even a spork? No napkins? This is unheard of in my neighborhood.
Aug. 28th, 2007 02:36 pm (UTC)
I love the chinese food plastic spork. It is a delightful utilitarian utensil equally well suited to eating and graphic mutilation. How often can you say that?
Aug. 28th, 2007 02:24 pm (UTC)

You do indeed rock. As does Lolita, the hero of your story. (I hope you shared some Chinese food with her after all that...)

As for humiliating yourself... let's just say that we all have it in us. I'm just glad that it's impossible for my apartment door to self-lock behind me, no matter how dumb I am that day. Er, genius. That's what I meant to say. Not dumb. Genius.
Aug. 28th, 2007 04:05 pm (UTC)
No, he never offered to share. But I took one of his cigarettes.
Aug. 28th, 2007 02:24 pm (UTC)
You've never broken into your own place before? Just make sure you avoid your own pit-traps of death though. :)
Aug. 28th, 2007 03:20 pm (UTC)
Even though I totally love Chinese food, if I didn't, if I was someone who didn't like it...

My thought would be that at least without utensils you wouldn't have been able to eat it.


Aug. 28th, 2007 03:39 pm (UTC)

Lack of utensils has never stopped me before. I can totally picture you sitting there on the stoop and looking pitiful with your dinner in your lap.
Aug. 28th, 2007 06:12 pm (UTC)
It was very pitiful. The only saving grace was that I was able to make myself useful as a doorman for people coming home with lots of groceries.
Aug. 28th, 2007 03:42 pm (UTC)
I miss New York. Living in the country, I can easily break into my own house if it locks behind me, but the Chinese food sucks. Can't get decent takeout.
Aug. 28th, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)

Isn't much to watch in a park full of trees, my WORD!
There are thousands of things to watch in just ONE tree...
Ants, for example, are fascinating creatures. I bet there were some ants near your stoop. You'd be tres suprised like whoa at all the cool things ants do- such as farming and bridge building...

Aug. 28th, 2007 04:14 pm (UTC)
where there's dinner, there's a way!
Aug. 28th, 2007 04:23 pm (UTC)
The upside is that at least you have your own place from which to be locked out of and even better: people who care enough that come to let you back in.

~ pug
Aug. 28th, 2007 04:42 pm (UTC)
lol! :)

Now I'm in the mood for rice...sigh!
Aug. 28th, 2007 05:39 pm (UTC)
Hee. My ex had once had an apartment that was very close to the garbage chute. He used to bring the garbage out naked. Never got locked out, though.
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 28th, 2007 06:06 pm (UTC)
Three years and only one close one so far!
Aug. 28th, 2007 11:10 pm (UTC)
It could have been worse. You could have been naked like I was when I locked myself out of the house (in the garage).
Aug. 28th, 2007 11:53 pm (UTC)
aw! I can picture you sitting there on the stoop..
I , too, am surprised you didn't get chopsticks with your take-out..

Once in college I locked myself out of my dorm room when I went to take a shower. Being the modest girl that I am *snort* I had of course went to the shower only wearing my towel and carrying my toiletries.
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )