For example, most of this past weekend, I did not go out. I stayed in, and did what I wanted inside my house, alone. I went out to the TES party on Saturday night, but found myself amazingly bored and not wanting nor willing to chat up someone new, I instead went home. I lasted maybe an hour and a half.
On Sunday, I had a date, and it was a marvelous date. It was a marvelous date because we have known each other for years, and she understands where my mind and emotions are right now, and I she. We both played a little dangerously that afternoon, but yet, at the same time, it was all very safe. We were safe because we understood each other.
That evening, I went to a social. There were new people there to meet, people I wanted to meet. But yet, I felt very shy. I was unsteady on my feet, and in voice. So, I largely hung around with people I knew... and took opportunities for private one-on-one conversations where ever possible. I brought a selection of handcuffs with me that I knew would delight some of the attendees. Why? Yes, I knew that they would make some people happy, but in many ways those handcuffs provided me an out. Here are my cuffs, play with them. And I got to sit back on the sideline and just watch them enjoy. I was shy, I was hidden. Perhaps I was avoiding.
And yet, there were many people I wanted to meet there. One of them succeeded by approaching me (the handcuffs worked well for this purpose.) We bonded briefly, and we made plans to talk some more (I look forward to your e-mail, if you read this.) I felt drawn to another person, somehow sensing we might bond on an intellectual and friendly level, not to mention her bare feet stopped me in my tracks. But I was too shy to approach, and she was locked in conversations all night, and I left it alone.
I've been hiding all week long in my apartment, every night since. Lost in a video game, serving as an escape from the world and my thoughts.
I've avoided everything this holiday season has to offer. I avoided Hanukkah, the Rockefeller Tree, the window displays at Macy's, and Lord & Taylor's. I've avoided TV to avoid the commercials and the saccharin-sweet happy movies. I've avoided the specialty shops that have sprung up all over the city, like Grand Central, or Bryant Park.
I've been avoiding sex.
Why am I avoiding so much right now?
Perhaps because I am not 100% put together right now. Maybe. Lord knows I am still healing from change. Maybe I'm just tired, symptomatic of it being the end of a very long year, tough recent work days, and my run away brain. Maybe I'm protecting myself, hiding in my hole just a little bit more. Maybe I'm protecting others from my projections and unloading of personal drama and affairs.
Or perhaps I am saving up my mental and physical energies for fabulous upcoming plans. After all, I must remind myself, all is not bleak. This Friday I leave for Las Vegas to attend a wedding of someone very close and dear to me, and to spend time with my Leather Family, and to spend time with a gorgeous girl with whom hopefully many awful, awful things will happen. And after that, I get to be visited by my southern girl for New Years, and I get to be together with friends when the ball drops.
Right now, I'm avoiding things. But I have hope for tomorrow.