I read them, but I don't take part in the conversations. Why? Because I don't analyze my kink. I don't think obsessively about my sex. I frankly couldn't give one shit why I have x kink, or why I'm into doing y but not z. I know what gets me off, and I do it. It makes me happy. And when I find something else that intrigues me, I do it. Simple as that. I cum, therefore I am, I suppose.
So, I don't have a "sex blog." Sometimes I write about sex here, but sometimes I don't. I'm a fake blogger walking in a world of bloggers. I'm an ignorant fucker in a world of intellectuals who philosophize about sex. And I'm OK with that.
But what I do very well is obsess about the past. I think about the past a lot, where I've been, experiences I had, people who have been in my life. I try very hard to stay in the present, but my mind does tend to drift into the past quite a bit. Thus, the odd comparison mentioned in the opening paragraph. I may not obsess about my sex, but I obsess about where I've been.
I'm about to head out of my apartment for my traditional celebration/avoidance of the New Year. When bringing down my suitcase to pack for the festivities, I knocked another box that I've had stored in my closet for quite some time. In it are a bunch of items from an old relationship. A framed photo, a newspaper, gifts given to me, and other things very special then. I haven't opened that box in 2 years. And here it fell down onto me. A world of memory crashing down.
I think of the people who have come with me to our New Years festivities. Some who still come and I am friends with. Some who aren't talking to me anymore, despite me wanting to reach out and say hi. Others still awkward and uncertain. Or others still who couldn't be with me due to being so far away, despite me wanting them to. Or who can't now for the same reasons.
A part of me wants to surround myself with them, and celebrate the love we have and had. Because my memory always goes back to the good moments, the special moments, the reasons why our paths joined together for however long.
That can't happen, except in my mind. And in my mind, it happens a lot.
I'm surrounded by love now. I have someone in my apartment right now who will be with us for the first time ever on this journey of New Years debauchery. It will be fabulous. I have wonderful families, both in blood and leather, who shower me with affection. I have my slave, who I do love so very much, and who will be coming with me in the form of a Ohio State hooded sweatshirt. I have my sister Lolita, of whom much has been said. I have my friends, who will be with me tonight and tomorrow. So, yes, yay for the now as well.
So. The year. 2007. It was a tough year. It started out really nice... but, it grew tougher. A whole lot of breakups this year. Medical issues abound. Stress, heartache. The return of the emo Phil. It was a tough year.
I'm waiting for that singularly excellent year. It has never quite happened yet. I wonder if it possible. 2008 hasn't started yet, so theoretically, this could be it.
I'm not ready just yet to give up on 2007. I will be tomorrow though. Yeah, I think so.
Happy New Year's everyone. And to all who I have loved, and who have loved me - thank you. I still think of you fondly, even now.