Boymeat (boymeat) wrote,

  • Mood:

I'm not a doctor, I just fly with medical devices to confuse you.

This past weekend I flew down to North Carolina to visit kathryntact. I'm not going to write up any of the details of that here save for saying that canceled planes suck, Satan truly is, what a great weekend, and OMG sex of dirty doom. No, you don't get joke #2. That's OK.

What I will tell you about is the horrors I put the Transportation Security Administration at LaGuardia Airport through.

Seeing as it would be a short weekend, I decided to pack light and for once travel with carry-on luggage. This meant no whips, no knives, no canes, or any other typical weapon-like item I would normally bring along. In fact, I only brought one sex toy - a speculum.

Due to an amazing thunderstorm that spontaneously rolled into NYC at 5 PM on the dot, my plane was delayed 4 hours before eventually being canceled. During that delay, I went back and forth through the security gates 3 times to have a cigarette to squash my ever growing frustration.

Which meant the TSA had a total of 4 opportunities to figure out what in gods name I had in my bag.

Comedy, thus, ensued.

Attempt #1

TSA - Um, what is that?

Me - It's a speculum.

TSA - Huh?

Me - It's used to open things up.

TSA - Like what?

Me - *stared at her blankly*

TSA - *shaking her head* Go.

Attempt #2

TSA - Isn't this...?

Me - Yes, it's a speculum.

TSA - Are you a doctor?

Me - Nope.

TSA - I mean this is used for... you're a doctor right?

Me - Nope.

TSA - Then why do you...?

Me - *smiled at her*

TSA - OooooooooooK. Go on.

Attempt #3

Me - I know what you're looking at. It's a speculum. I've been through this already with some of your colleagues.

TSA #1 - Hey, wait, I know what this is... it's a...

Me - Yes, it's a speculum.

TSA #2 - Oh, right, it's for opening...

TSA #1 - Noses, right?

Me - Um, nope.

TSA #2 - I... I'm not even gonna ask.

Attempt #4

Me - Before you even ask, it's a speculum.

TSA - *smiles and waves me off*


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