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This past weekend I flew down to North Carolina to visit kathryntact. I'm not going to write up any of the details of that here save for saying that canceled planes suck, Satan truly is, what a great weekend, and OMG sex of dirty doom. No, you don't get joke #2. That's OK.

What I will tell you about is the horrors I put the Transportation Security Administration at LaGuardia Airport through.

Seeing as it would be a short weekend, I decided to pack light and for once travel with carry-on luggage. This meant no whips, no knives, no canes, or any other typical weapon-like item I would normally bring along. In fact, I only brought one sex toy - a speculum.

Due to an amazing thunderstorm that spontaneously rolled into NYC at 5 PM on the dot, my plane was delayed 4 hours before eventually being canceled. During that delay, I went back and forth through the security gates 3 times to have a cigarette to squash my ever growing frustration.

Which meant the TSA had a total of 4 opportunities to figure out what in gods name I had in my bag.

Comedy, thus, ensued.

Attempt #1

TSA - Um, what is that?

Me - It's a speculum.

TSA - Huh?

Me - It's used to open things up.

TSA - Like what?

Me - *stared at her blankly*

TSA - *shaking her head* Go.

Attempt #2

TSA - Isn't this...?

Me - Yes, it's a speculum.

TSA - Are you a doctor?

Me - Nope.

TSA - I mean this is used for... you're a doctor right?

Me - Nope.

TSA - Then why do you...?

Me - *smiled at her*

TSA - OooooooooooK. Go on.

Attempt #3

Me - I know what you're looking at. It's a speculum. I've been through this already with some of your colleagues.

TSA #1 - Hey, wait, I know what this is... it's a...

Me - Yes, it's a speculum.

TSA #2 - Oh, right, it's for opening...

TSA #1 - Noses, right?

Me - Um, nope.

TSA #2 - I... I'm not even gonna ask.

Attempt #4

Me - Before you even ask, it's a speculum.

TSA - *smiles and waves me off*


( 35 comments — Leave a comment )
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Aug. 19th, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:23 pm (UTC)
It's for your ass, right?
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:39 pm (UTC)
Nope... I lied to the TSA agent. It's for the nose.
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:25 pm (UTC)
#2 was my favorite. I did indeed laugh. Thank you Sir!
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:30 pm (UTC)
I'm strangely disturbed that you have one.
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:44 pm (UTC)
Plastic disposable speculums FTW!

I stole some from my doctor once. And by 'some' I mean like 20.
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:50 pm (UTC)
I love the idea that if you were a doctor, it would be perfectly normal to travel with a speculum and not also, oh, I don't know, a stethoscope and medical bag.
Aug. 19th, 2008 07:43 pm (UTC)
lol, because OBGYN's totally carry spare speculums with them, just incase they have to check out some vag while at the store. Hey, you never know.
(no subject) - aroraborealis - Aug. 19th, 2008 07:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - boymeat - Aug. 19th, 2008 07:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hcjordan - Aug. 20th, 2008 01:20 am (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 19th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC)

#3 got me. :)
Aug. 19th, 2008 07:01 pm (UTC)
Only in my family would this just seem like a normal encounter.

Thanks for the chuckle. Someday I'll share my TSA stories with you....in person.
Aug. 19th, 2008 07:09 pm (UTC)
I bet they were all on their coffee break saying things like:

TSA #1 "Didja see the guy with the speculum - he went through 4 times."

TSA #2 "You think it was a test from someone in the central office?"

TSA #3 "It would have to be, guy said he wasn't a doctor - I mean what else would you use a speculum for?"

TSA #4 (shaking head) "If you have to ASK that...."

I had to explain the folsom unit butt plug in my carry on to someone at Logan once... "See, you put it in your ass. And then I hook this box up to it." Thankfully it was pre 9/11.
Aug. 19th, 2008 07:11 pm (UTC)
Michael Horowitz did that on a trip to IML with lolitasir and I. When he offered to let the security agent feel the violet wand after he plugged it in, she practically jumped through the roof. Made better by lolitasir running back to them screaming "Do me! Do me!"

I hid and pretended not to know either of them.
(no subject) - masterhyde - Aug. 19th, 2008 08:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - adpfromga - Aug. 20th, 2008 12:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - coraline - Aug. 29th, 2008 10:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - boymeat - Sep. 1st, 2008 06:11 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - coraline - Sep. 2nd, 2008 01:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - carolsea - Aug. 19th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 19th, 2008 08:33 pm (UTC)
I think I've got a toss up between #1 and #3 personally... I love how the TSA in #1 didn't seem to know what it was. I'm sure she'd seen one before in her life.

Gotta love the TSA... Never fail to provide humor for us.
Aug. 19th, 2008 09:25 pm (UTC)
May I repost this and link back, please?
Aug. 19th, 2008 09:34 pm (UTC)
By all means. I'm happy that you found it worthy!
Aug. 19th, 2008 10:31 pm (UTC)
In a week that has gone horribly wrong, this is the first thing to make me smile. Freakin hilarious.
Aug. 20th, 2008 03:36 pm (UTC)
I'm glad I could make you smile. Sorry life has been so rough lately.
Aug. 19th, 2008 11:34 pm (UTC)
Aug. 19th, 2008 11:37 pm (UTC)
Aug. 20th, 2008 01:41 am (UTC)
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( 35 comments — Leave a comment )