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Fitting in no longer.

This past Saturday I went to the wedding of my best friend from college. It was a lovely affair, and served almost as old-home week as I saw college friends not seen in years.

In fact, I hadn't seen any of them in years. This was the first time I was meeting the bride.

For most of the wedding, while I enjoyed myself (and how could I not with kathryntact as my date), I couldn't shake a strange feeling for most of the evening.

I don't belong here anymore.

It's been 10 years since me and the gang left our alma mater. 10 years of life and living and stuff and everything else. And in those 10 years, my friends and I have walked quite the different paths.

All of my college friends are now homeowners in suburban areas such as New Jersey and upstate New York.

I am still a renter, with a studio with one window facing a brick wall, but I'm in Manhattan which was a large goal of mine.

With this wedding, everyone I lived with my senior year are now married. One has a kid already, and one has one on the way.

While I actually envisioned myself married by this point, I am nowhere near it. I have wonderful relationships, and I am happy.

My friends are all far along on their career paths.

I guess I am too, but I am experiencing a strong sense of doubt and wonder if I'm doing what I actually want to be doing (the answer in my head is always no, with no solution in sight.)

My friends are all dripping vanilla, and live a life where sports, going to the bar on Saturday night or sitting at home with a few cases of beer is what life is made for.

I am so far removed from that lifestyle, that I am stuck without the words.

So, we obviously live different lives. And of course I know it is OK to be living different lives. But I'm still caught up with twinges of sadness over the whole thing.

I realized at the wedding that I am no longer a part of the group. There were 4 of us who were very solid with one another. 2 of the 3 basically gave me cold shoulders all night, and the 3rd was kind of busy with his wedding and all.

I realized that if I had made more of an effort to stay in touch, I would have been a part of the wedding party. Instead, I was seated with the random assortment of college people they had to invite, but perhaps would not have if given their own choice.

They all had life successes to talk about. I could hardly relate to any of them.

My friends walked another path, and left me behind. And I can't decide which I am sadder over more... the fact that my memories of tight friendship are now nothing more than that - memories. Or that I am measuring myself to their yardsticks, and finding myself failing.

I hate thoughts that have no answers.


Oct. 27th, 2008 04:39 pm (UTC)
They didn't leave you behind. They went in a different direction, and you went in yours.

And you may not fit in with them now, and that's something worth thinking about, and mourning. But you DO have a place you fit in, a community where you belong and are welcomed as the wonderful person you are - the person you have become in these past 10 years.

I think that the urge to belong is such a primal, instinctive feeling. And it's awful to feel outside the circle. I hope that the feeling has passed, and that you're able to look beyond the wedding now and see the other circles - yes, I'm actually picturing a field with lots of drawn circles on it for some reason right now :) - and find the ones that open up easily to let you in.