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A Friday to long for.

This has been a really tough week. From the outside, it would look like I've had all my shit put together. Been doing great work at the office, looking presentable every day, went out for a few social encounters during the week which were fun, flirted with people, and held up my responsibilities with my mother, being there for her when she needed me.

I'm good at wearing a mask. Really good at it.

The reality is the tendrils of depression have been licking away at my ankles all week long. That my apartment, always a good indication of my mood, has begun rehearsing as a post-nuclear wasteland setting. That while I smile on the outside, I've been struggling to keep in check periods of overwhelming sadness and anger.

I'm sad because this is my mother's 2nd hospital stay in two weeks. That the cause of it was a non-specific heavy-duty virus. That it might be indicative of bad things to come (this is my mind projecting, and not at all based on my mother's current condition nor what the doctors have said.)

I'm angry because of an interaction on Tuesday with someone. It was a revenge hit against me. I hurt her in October, so she kicked me in the gut when I was down. Nonetheless, I can't shake the feeling of disappointment and betrayal, and the nagging feeling that I've just re-experienced strife high school style. I literally received the words "You're off my f-list" in an e-mail. From someone close and dear to me, and who is an adult.

I mean, really. Off your friends list? I expect to be told on to our 3rd period teacher because I'm cutting class and kissing Joey behind the bleachers.

I feel the anger rising up again. I need to control this.

The good news is that my mother is being released today. After work, I will go get the van and drive her back home. The good news is that after rescuing her from Coney Island Hospital, she received excellent and attentive care at Memorial-Sloane. The good news is that my weekend plans are not completely scrapped, and I will be able to drive south one day late to meet up with friends and my love and my sis.

The good news is that a hellish week is ending.


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 5th, 2008 02:55 pm (UTC)
Much empathy on the ickyness front.

Kudos for accomplishing good things. Here's hoping fake it 'til you make it mode will get you through.

Also: TGIMFF!!!
Dec. 5th, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC)
Dec. 5th, 2008 03:24 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you've had such an awful week, but I'm glad to hear things are starting to get better.
Dec. 5th, 2008 03:42 pm (UTC)
Glad the week is coming to an end, and there may be stress relief soon.
Dec. 5th, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)
Thinking of you :)

Don't let others' childishness get you down - that's their problem.
Dec. 5th, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)
Gah. This truly has been a hellish week and sorry to hear that you're down. While I'm glad the weekend is just about here, I'm not looking forward to the catchup work I have to do this weekend to make up for the time lost in the past few days while awaiting yesterday's bloodbath at the office.

On the getting kicked off the "f-list" front, when that's happened to me, I've always been glad after the initial disappointment with the person that if they are going to reveal that they are that childish, they probably aren't worth spending time and effort with in the future.

Here's to having a good weekend!
Dec. 5th, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
I'm really sorry to hear about your week. I just wanted to send some love and support your way. And to let you know that as always, if I can help in any way, just call.

Dec. 5th, 2008 04:08 pm (UTC)
Not alone.
I understand the stick-on-smile. For me, in these states, being around people is so much better than being by myself. I hope that works for you too. I'm glad you have friends you can talk to and help how they can.

I'll contact my ghost-writers for the universe and see if they can't leave your mom alone with the extra plot.

What other people do is all their own shit. If you haven't read it yet - check out The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Really helped me. I'm happy to send you my copy if you sling a mailing address my way to captainwhimsy at livejournal dot com
Dec. 5th, 2008 04:20 pm (UTC)
something in the air? I had a similar issue happen with the passive-aggressive friends list removal.

I hope everything goes well with your mother, and I'm glad to hear she's getting out today. My mom had some sort of unspecified infection in her neck once. She was on antibiotics forever until they went in an just drained it. Sometimes the doctors just do not have a clue as to what's goin on.. it's not necessarily that it's going to get worse or have complications.

*hugs* I don't have much to give about the anger and sadness issues. I medicate when it's overwhelming for me.
Dec. 5th, 2008 04:24 pm (UTC)

I feel like I should be my normal sarcastic cunt of a self in an attempt to make you laugh here, but I'm sort of tired and out of it. So how about we just pretend that I've said something immeasurably witty that has simultaneously assured you of your awesomeness and the fact that the future will most likely hold good things?

Is it working yet?

Let a girl know ;).
Dec. 5th, 2008 04:41 pm (UTC)
Ach, I'm sorry.
Dec. 5th, 2008 04:49 pm (UTC)
*hug* I'm sorry you've had such a hellish week. I'm sending good thoughts and hoping it gets better for you.
Dec. 5th, 2008 06:50 pm (UTC)
I completely understand the mask. I hate being so good at hiding my sadness. I'm sorry you aren't doing great right now. I hope things start on the upswing for you soon.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )