Boymeat (boymeat) wrote,
Boymeat
boymeat

  • Mood:

I don't know what is real anymore.

I'm starting to feel like a grumpy old man.

I miss the days when people moved slowly. When SM and kink was this huge fruit that was meant to peel back slowly, cautiously, step by step.

When I was young, the world of SM stood in front of me like the tallest skyscraper in the world. Huge, endless, terrifying. Holding my first flogger was such a big deal! I couldn't imagine moving past that... how the flogger so captured my attention. Canes, singletails... they were scary! I didn't try them for years after. They captivated me and terrified me, and I didn't dare touch them until I was ready.

I've had 20 year olds tell me about all the types of edge play they want to try. Shit I didn't get to until my 30's. I remember I was so rare when I came out... someone in their twenties being able to find organized SM, to find education, to be exposed to all these new edges. That in the late 90's, which is so not that long ago(!), it was people in their 40's that were finding these kinks for the 1st time.

It took me years to become who I am today. Years of exploring... step by step. I would try kinks or techniques one at a time, slowly, surely. Gradually wading into the pool so that I didn't go too deep too fast.

I feel like people do that much less today. It's so much... faster.  I see the things people are teaching, myself included... I see how people soak it up, people the same age as when I started. The hyperactivity of it all, the whirling dervishness of having to try everything now now NOW!

Rope suspensions used to be such a big deal, such an accomplishment! Now it's the first thing people try. Needles were so advanced, so edgy! Now its an afterthought.

Am I really that jaded? Have I really turned into the curmudgeon parent who I used to snide about? Am I now guilty of romanticizing the past, just as I have accused others of?

I'm so uncertain of myself. I can't figure out if what I am feeling is reality, or if I'm simply rewriting my past, if I'm growing wistful for something that really didn't exist.

Maybe today is the way it always was. Maybe I didn't see it, because I didn't have my eyes open. I didn't have the perspective.

I just know that I'm a tad bit sad about it all. And I don't quite know what to do about it.

I'm tired of bitching. *sigh*
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