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Preparing to age a little bit more.

I used to do a traditional post on by birthday, marking another year lived and reflections on the past. Figure I'll get it out of the way the day before this time around.

To say that my birthday tomorrow fills me with some trepidation is putting it mildly. I've always been excited about my birthday in the past, but now that the number is getting ever higher, not so much. I've been trying to figure out why aging has been so scary as of late, but today I think I put my finger on it.

I was never happy with childhood. All of my memories of elementary school, junior high, even high school, are tinted with the notion that I was always looking forward to being an adult. Feeling as if my inner self was being held back, and I couldn't wait to blossom into the next phase where everything I wanted to do would suddenly be possible.

All of those forward looking thoughts truly came to pass when I found the SM scene. My discovery of TES opened the doors to the world, and I really thought that I was finally becoming self-actualized. Of course, there is a heavy bit of irony laced into that as well. Once I got my foundation settled in the scene, I went from being Phil (no comments please from those who know some of the other names I used back then - I will hunt you down and kill you)... to Boymeat.

Boymeat. Boymeat! The irony is amazing! I went from always looking to being an adult, to becoming defined by my youth! In those formative years at TES, I was the youngest one around. And I thrived in that position - I loved being the youngling in the crowd, low in number but increasingly high in experience and passion. Boymeat was known for wild abandon, running around and playing and mucking about and living all the time and doing things he really shouldn't be but damn it was fun because he was Boymeat!

The formation of TNG added another layer to my definition. With my role in founding it, my identity became fully locked into being a representative for the younger generation. And in some ways, that identity still has not changed. I am still involved in TNG politics - I serve as a resource for other groups, and I still defend it whenever arguments against TNG surface (and they always do.) I have also took on a role of TNG historian, seeing as so little of its history is known or recognized.

So here I am, having lived this whole life of being defined by my youth. Over 15 years in the SM scene, yet still Boymeat. Years past from running a TNG, yet still working on it.

But SM is surely not the only thing on my mind when I think of tomorrow. This will be my last birthday as a bachelor. This time next year, I'll be a married man, wearing a ring signifying my bond and commitment and partnership with the best partner I could imagine, Kathryn. I am entering my 35th year not as some kid with a job not sure of his way in the world, but as a Vice President in the midst of a career. And before I'm 40, there might even be a child in my life.

There have always been jokes throughout my adult life about the name Boymeat. People asking what would happen when I've grown to be too old to be truly called Boymeat. Susan Wright once declared that she couldn't call me it anymore, that I was too old... that I would have to become Daddymeat.

I dunno how to feel about the name these days. Sometimes I don't feel like it accurately describes me anymore. I'm not a boy anymore. I don't have that kind of energy anymore... I feel quite perceptibly older than the TNGers of today. Instead, Boymeat has become more of a running gag in my life. Now, my home wireless network is called Webmeat. My old bike was Bikemeat. Kathryn is Girl Vegetable Side Dish. We joke that she will in March become Wifemeat, and our future spawn... Embryomeat.

The other side of that coin is that Boymeat is my continued attempt to hold on to my youth. The thought that I could still shave off my beard and mustache and look like I am 12 all over again. That even though I will be 35 tomorrow, I can still be 21.

Maybe. Guess I'll have to try. When I was 13, 15, 17... I couldn't wait to be an adult. I'm 34 right now, only half a day away from being 35, thinking wow, I guess I'm an adult now. I'm no Peter Pan, but I'm also no longer constantly hoping to "grow up." If anything, I'm trying to enjoy the now as much as humanely possible.

So hello to all of you while I am still 34. I'll talk to you tomorrow, a little older when I'm 35, but hopefully still the same.


( 31 comments — Leave a comment )
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Sep. 27th, 2011 07:02 pm (UTC)

You'll always be Boymeat to me, but never a "boy." No, Sir.
Sep. 27th, 2011 07:11 pm (UTC)
Don't worry.. you'll always be a week younger than I am. :)
Sep. 27th, 2011 09:24 pm (UTC)
Did you ever think we'd make this far? I feel like in our youth we were almost mini-James Deans.

Gods I miss you.
(no subject) - em_yrt - Sep. 28th, 2011 04:30 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 27th, 2011 07:18 pm (UTC)
Happy birthday, um, YOU!
Sep. 27th, 2011 07:22 pm (UTC)
Happy Birthday Phil
I have other nicknames for you that I will not share publicly because I love you so very much. But I will say this, you're growing into a wonderful adult (get used to it kid) and no matter how old you are, (I'm still a far bigger number) never let that get in the way of living life and having fun.
Sep. 27th, 2011 07:44 pm (UTC)
Like your AOL screenname? :::whistles:::

But seriously... happy birthday (and happy engagement!)
Sep. 27th, 2011 09:24 pm (UTC)

I warned you.


Can you believe it's been that long since the nipple clamp incident?
(no subject) - jessamineny - Sep. 27th, 2011 11:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - trouble841 - Sep. 28th, 2011 12:58 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 27th, 2011 07:49 pm (UTC)
slightly early happy birthday!

... i kind of like daddymeat and wifemeat. but now I have a non-sensical thing in my head saying .."the other wifemeat" instead of white meat, but there is no other wifemeat, there is only one, kind of like Highlander, right?
Sep. 27th, 2011 07:57 pm (UTC)
This parallels my struggles. I am 25 years down the road ahead of you. I am getting many more daddy comments. I'm not ready to be Daddy. I don't see myself as Daddy. My nom de scene doesn't directly name my status for that I am fortunate But At some point I will have to accept the role that I am very reluctant to play. I'm told there are benefits to becoming Daddy and giving up the Boy persona. That is very hard to recognize.

The one thing that I don't have the possibility for is to have a child and thus cement the Daddy role with a reason to be Daddy. I could claim a surrogate boy who would be around your age but It would take a lot of work to make that relationship true enough to be an acceptable substitute for the real thing.

My father was 41 years older than I. He was old enough to be my Grandfather when I was born. You are fast approaching that point as well. He and I never talked about the idea of reluctant fatherhood.

I wish you luck in your transformation from Boy to Man to Daddy and Granddaddy.
May you do so gracefully and find each stage worthy of your consideration and participation. You may have already shed part of the persona that you are holding without even realizing that the transformation is going on.

Happy birthday.
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 27th, 2011 09:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you love. I keep meaning to reach out to you. I want to hug you. Like, lots.
Sep. 27th, 2011 08:29 pm (UTC)
It's strange: I've been feeling a sort of nostalgia for the TES days of late. Perhaps I'll have to drop by a meeting (or Paddles, given my schedule of working nights).
Sep. 27th, 2011 09:26 pm (UTC)
There's that funny thing about nostalgia. When you revisit it, it never measures up to your memories. :-)
(no subject) - coyotegoth - Sep. 27th, 2011 09:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 27th, 2011 08:54 pm (UTC)

I used to hang out with you to appear younger. I can't do that anymore.

Sep. 27th, 2011 09:25 pm (UTC)
We can still pretend. :-)
Sep. 27th, 2011 08:57 pm (UTC)
I love you, you know that? :)

(Sometimes I read a post that affects me, and that I really enjoy reading, and I really want to post a comment in response, but I don't know exactly to write. And then I think - well, what do I want to say? And that's what I thought of.)

Also: I think at this point your name has gone beyond the traditional sense of "Boy" and has become just... a name. And I like that it brings along your entire TES/TNG/scene history with it.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Meat.
Sep. 27th, 2011 09:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you love. You rock.
Sep. 27th, 2011 08:58 pm (UTC)
Despite your trepidation, happy birthday.
Sep. 27th, 2011 09:26 pm (UTC)
Great choice of icon. Nice.
(no subject) - tripartite - Sep. 27th, 2011 09:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 28th, 2011 12:35 am (UTC)

Happy birthday!!!

Sep. 28th, 2011 12:54 am (UTC)
I think for those of us that were a part of the 'first' TNG groups, 35 is always hard. It was a rough year for me, and as I'm edging up on 40, I'm not sure 40 is going to be any easier.

I think you'll always be Boymeat to me... you'll always be 3.5 yrs (almost to the day) my junior, and still the scary little bastard you've always been.

And you do look younger than you are, and you still very much have that 'boy' in you -- I hope you have it when you're 90! (I of course, am always a fan of the playful side of folks).

Happy Birthday. ... I still remember your bday in 2003 and Muppets!
Sep. 28th, 2011 02:54 am (UTC)
Happy Birthday!

I'm getting married in March as well, what a coincidence. Are you going to Vegas as well?
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( 31 comments — Leave a comment )