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A story about a bug...

OK kids, sit right on down, 'cause Uncle Boymeat is going to share yet another story with you about his ridiculous life. Now, before we go too deep into this, I present to you (da da DA!) THE DISCLAIMER: If you are sensitive to nature's multi-legged googly eyed beings, and would be offended by any accounts of humans bringing bizarre and painful deaths to them (i.e. - all you woo-woo readers out there), well... I'm sorry. Not.

So, Sunday night, I'm having a cigarette on my terrace. I open the terrace door to return back inside the apartment, when I hear this loud *click.* In front of me, on one of the dining room chairs, is the biggest freakin' green bug I have ever seen. It is vaguely grasshopper shaped (still not quite sure if it was a grasshopper or a cicada), about 4 inches long, just sitting there, on my chair.

Mind you, I live on the 11th story of my building, in Brooklyn. Natural environment for the little bugger this was not.

So, I do what any normal former licensed exterminator (bet you didn't know THAT about me) would do... I freaked. Screamed for my Dad, pointed wildly at the large beast that was just chilling on my chair. My mother notices, and decides to harmonize with my screaming. My father screams at everyone to stop screaming, and does what any self-respecting former owner of a pest control company would do - bark orders at everyone else to take care of it, so he didn't have to.

I immediately took charge of the situation. Told my mother to go hold open the terrace door. I figured I could slowly push the chair out onto the terrace, and then hit the chair, forcing the bug to fly away outside, back to the non-indeginious environment that it came from. Well, mom walks to the door, opens it, and the bug flies deeper into the living room. Shit.

Dad barks to get the spray can. OK, here is the part the baffles me still. You would think in a house of two former exterminators, some poison would be around SOMEWHERE. But no, we search and search and search, and turn up with nothing. So, I open up the cabinet underneath the sink, and pull out the first thing I can find. Oven cleaner.

I go back into the living room, to find that somehow my parents have lost sight of this Godzilla-inspired bug. Now, seriously folks, this fucker was huge and bright green. How can you lose that??! I search and search and search, turn up with nothing. We presume it flew out the terrace door during all the commotion, and go back to regular life. I name it George just for fun, and talk about how I'm gonna go chill with George when I went off to bed.

Fast forward to last night. I get home at around 9 PM, my parents are out, my brothers playstation 2 is on in the living room, untouched, along with a half-eaten bag of popcorn. I walk into the house, down the hall, to find my brother on the phone. He quickly hung up the phone when seeing me. I ask who was on the phone. This goes on for a while. He finally admits... George flew out while he was playing his game, he freaked, ran into the back room, and called 911.

Oy. Thankfully, the 911 operator kindly informed my brother that bugs are not exactly 911 material, especially when there is only one of them.

OK, back on the hunt again. I open up the terrace door and a window, turn on all the lights, and look for poison once again. I come up with, yes, you guessed it... oven cleaner. I search and search and search, nothing. Argh. I decide to set up operations at the kitchen table facing the open terrace door, that way I can at least see if George flies out. I got a little hungry, so went for some cereal. And lo and behold, there is George, just hanging out.

I hit the wall near George, thinking he'll fly out the door. Nope. Flew inward. Now I was just pissed off, grabbed the... oven cleaner... and hunted him. To make a long story short, George died in pool of cleansing foam on the kitchen floor - and he was very clean.

And that is my story of a bug.


( 24 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 16th, 2003 07:07 am (UTC)

He called 911? For a BUG???


Who buys fantastic for the sole purpose of using it to kill flying creatures. You spray them. They fall to the earth. Then you squish them until they're dead. They don't pay rent, they don't get to live in my house.
Sep. 16th, 2003 07:08 am (UTC)
Sweet Jesus!
This could have been my family when we all lived together. My mother has actually incurred injuries (and caused them) in trying to get away from, and protect her children from, things like crickets.
Sep. 16th, 2003 07:44 am (UTC)
Re: Sweet Jesus!
Um... crickets are icky. They jump.
Sep. 16th, 2003 07:09 am (UTC)
May you and Big Daddy never hunt bugs together.

Sep. 16th, 2003 07:13 am (UTC)
Oh my god. I actually have tears in my eyes...
Sep. 16th, 2003 07:21 am (UTC)
poor George
I allow various types of spiders to share my apt. They take care of any other bugs.
Sep. 16th, 2003 08:13 am (UTC)
We put cups over things that are too small for the cats to consider 'toys'. And put them outside. Cause I'm just that much of a bleeding heart.

Course, if they're big enough to be 'fun', we generally let the cats have them. Which isn't particularly kind.
Sep. 16th, 2003 08:57 am (UTC)
Bug Avenger
Oven cleaner, indeed!

You know my feelings on the matter...*case closed
Sep. 16th, 2003 09:07 am (UTC)
Re: Bug Avenger
Read the disclaimer, woo-woo chick. ;-)
Sep. 16th, 2003 09:15 am (UTC)
Re: Bug Avenger
*having a saonce with George tonight...*we're gonna woo-woo all over your ass...

*in a good way of course...*keeping the karma clean...

Sep. 16th, 2003 09:47 am (UTC)
Re: Bug Avenger
So you're gonna be sending the ghost of George after me?

Bring it on little girl. I can take it. I killed George once, I'll kill him again. ;-)
Sep. 16th, 2003 09:49 am (UTC)
Re: Bug Avenger
* You just be careful of those bumps in the night Mister!
Sep. 16th, 2003 09:13 am (UTC)
Aww, I think you killed a praying mantis. :( They're good bugs. They eat other bugs. And they're cute.
Sep. 16th, 2003 09:14 am (UTC)
See, that's what I thought at first as well. But, I inspected it closely, and I can say without a doubt that it wasn't a praying mantis (I still retain some of my entomology skills.)

I wouldn't have killed one of those.
Sep. 16th, 2003 09:21 am (UTC)
Ok, then I forgive you. :)
Sep. 16th, 2003 09:45 am (UTC)
Thank you. :-)

I'm looking forward to seeing you this weekend.
Sep. 16th, 2003 09:18 am (UTC)
*just....laughing my ass off...*

I needed to read that this morning. It makes my own drama pale by comparison :)
Sep. 16th, 2003 01:23 pm (UTC)
See that's why you need to have a dog-- they kill the bugs and it's all part of the circle of life.... :)
Sep. 16th, 2003 02:27 pm (UTC)

Heheheh. Maybe you and I are related. *snicker* I've used oven cleaner on bugs in desperation before and it is quite handy!
Sep. 16th, 2003 02:38 pm (UTC)
It was probably a katydid, you big burly brute of a man.d
Sep. 16th, 2003 03:56 pm (UTC)
well, now it's katydidn't!

But -- couldn't you have just killed the darn thing with a copy of Prometheus?
Sep. 17th, 2003 12:04 am (UTC)
Next time, I'll just grab a pair of undies, and pick up the bug to take it outside to play with, okay? George and I would have could have become friends...

I love icky sticky worms
icky sticky worms
icky sticky worms
I love icky sticky worms
and my Uncle Boymeat

did you get my phone call???

I hope I survive the hurricane to make it to TNG...
Sep. 17th, 2003 08:43 am (UTC)
my pet peeve is flies
They're icky, gross, disgusting, and they lay eggs EVERYWHERE.

Angela thinks its funny when we get a couple flies in the house... I hunt them down, and some of the paperbacks end up with smushed flies.

Last year, our sliding glass door must have had something die near the wall, and there were TONS of them. I just about had a heart attack, for a month, i was on a fly hunt.

Picture Momma Bear, like Elmer Fudd, searching for "wittle bugs" to kill ;)
Sep. 18th, 2003 11:24 am (UTC)
i shouldn't have read this at work... i laughed too hard.

First time my old roommate and I ever found a water bug (they're worse than roaches, in my opinion) in our apartment (the first of many in that place), she threw a pot over it, I jumped on the couch and begged, "please don't make me deal with it," and eventually we threw off the pot and sprayed it with about half a can of Raid until it drowned.

So i can relate.

Love the new icon, btw.
( 24 comments — Leave a comment )