Boymeat (boymeat) wrote,

More grandfather thoughts

These are rhetorical questions and thoughts I have in my head.

I wonder if his looming death will truly hit me. I have cried once... but, I don't think it was because of him. It was because of his condition... an empathic reaction to what was happening around me. But I wonder if it will truly HIT me, to feel the pangs of loss.

It's hard to say. I don't have a relationship with him like others. I feel their pain. And I try to console them, to be there for them. I will continue to do so. And I understand their pain. Some of it I take onto myself, as I always do. But my relationship? It sounds so awful to say... but... I do not have anything to miss. I have no connection. No good memories. I only have bad ones.

I've stood by his bedside, but I haven't said a word. I don't know what to say. I have this strange, almost childlike fear that my words would make the situation worse. I want him to somehow get better, to be comfortable. I fear that my words, words from a grandson he never knew well, and sometimes disregarded, would upset him. That me being there would upset him.

Only two visitors are allowed at a time. I acquiece my chances to be at his side for family members that I know he loved and cherished. I feel that it is more important that they talk to him, hold him, stroke his hand. They'll do so much more positive.

I've visitied his bedside 4 times so far. I haven't said a word.

Even if I were to... I haven't the faintest clue what to say.

I'm crying now. I wish I knew why.


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